The Weight of Loyalty and Bonds
by Nagaku Tsuzuku Yami
Summary: Based during Season 6 – What is the weight of loyalties and bonds once held so dearly? With betrayals dragged into the light, Dean will find out for himself as he is put through the test of what those heavy words weigh.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **The Weight of Loyalty and Bonds

**Summary: **Based during Season 6 – What is the weight of loyalties and bonds once held so dearly? With betrayals dragged into the light, Dean will find out for himself as he is put through the test of what those heavy words weigh.

**Pairing: **Eventual Destiel

**Warnings: **Torture, Death of an Archangel, Hurt!Dean, Broken!Dean, Protective!Sam, Protective!Bobby, Guilty!Castiel, Blood,

~Story Below~

Dean really didn't know what to think really, his closes friend who dove into Hell to save his ass was working with Crowley. This entire time, sure he was fighting a war to save Earth from the new version of the Apocalypse. But was that really any excuse! He should have came to Dean for help, but he didn't and in doing so risked so much.

Lisa and Ben, they were unfortunate casualties of the Supernatural world most especially the casualties of the King of Hell's schemes to keep Dean on a short leash and in doing so kept Sam on a short leash. No one would make a move against him, and Castiel despite his regret didn't do all that much to deter the demon from that foolish situation.

They were all lucky Lisa and Ben lived, but they had no memory that Dean ever existed. The closes thing he had to a normal life and a normal family was torn away from him. He got a taste of what it was like to be a father of someone who wasn't your brother, he got a taste of what it was like playing house. He loved it. And lost it.

He always seemed to lose everything he loves somehow.

Sam, though he was lucky he came back. He always comes back.

Ellen and Jo. He loved Jo, never really got the chance to learn how much or how deeply, and he respected Ellen and envied Jo for having her as a mother.

And so many more during the Apocalypse 01. And now, now he lost Castiel.

_'You aren't my family. I have no family...' _

Dean couldn't tell you what the words were exactly, but that didn't matter. The impact was the same. It tore something in Dean that was never meant to be torn. He'd put himself back on the rack if it meant that he didn't have to feel the pain those words caused him. Hell he'd even cut into himself and give pointers on what to do to cause the maximum pain if it took that pain away.

Against Bobby and Sam's advice Dean went for a walk, but he had to. He had to find some way to clear his head. To escape the pain. So he decided to do a really stupid thing and went to the bar. There was no protection sigils carved anywhere here. Any angel could get in and any demon. He was wide open prey. And he didn't care.

He had enough of everything from when he was four and a half to now. He just wanted a break a few moments to forget everything and be left alone. He'll go back to being who everyone needs him to be tomorrow.

The colt was tucked into his pants underneath his jacket. It would help him against demons, but not angels. But that was hardly his concern.

He just wanted a drink and he had a large enough tab to pay for it and to keep the drinks coming until morning. Or until he got alcoholic poisoning, whichever came first.

The bar was coming into view and he was almost satisfied at the sight of it, like a traveller who sees his first chance to drink water for days. Dean almost cracks a grin through his own angst and hurt. Tomorrow he'll put on a brave face, wear a smile for everyone else but right now he's quite suited for his own darkened moods. He didn't know what was worse at the moment, hell scrapping at his mind and memories or this entire situation.

The sound of fluttering wings caught his attention. Foreign wings, don't call him crazy for this but he always knew when it was Castiel's wings that he heard. These were not it. Dean tensed, prepared for a fight and spun around with the colt drawn and pointing right at a petite angel's face. A suite signalled that this was probably a sympathizer to Raphael. The bastard! Dean wanted to blame him for this situation as well.

It took less then three seconds for the fight to start.

It took less then two seconds following that for the colt to be knocked out of his hands with a broken arm to show for it.

Three more seconds for him to be beaten to the ground and a touch to his forehead to hit him into unconsciousness.

It would be embarrassing if this petite looking angel was human.

~2 Hours, 34 minutes, 23 seconds~

Consciousness came quickly to Dean, as it always happens when knocked out by an angel with the whole jedi finger thing. It felt like relief from being drowned just below the surface. There was no pain but the anxiety of such a situation is there all the same. Dean looked around, or at least tried to. He couldn't move a muscle. And he could feel cold air touch his body, he was naked from the waist up.

He felt vulnerable and that was a feeling that Dean Winchester hated the most. Was to feel vulnerable and not be able to do anything about it. Dean tried to see what was around him but the feel of smooth metal underneath him and his limbs being stretched out told him what he was strapped down to. His mouth had a gag in it in order to keep him quiet, which in itself was pointless. If he was on a rack then you would want to hear someone scream, and you would make sure you were somewhere no one else could hear you.

And angels could do that in the densest area's and no one was any wiser to the fact that something happened or was happening. So it didn't make sense to have him gagged. Gagged or not, it didn't make any difference in sounds Dean made just to spite it. He was petty when he wanted to be, and sometimes he didn't care if he got hurt for it. Pain wasn't something new to him anymore, so he could take it.

"You are awake I see." A voice, a recognizable voice and a hated one caught his attention. Dean turned his head to the best of his capabilities and glared. Of course he's awake only because an angel probably wanted him to wake up, but one must keep to the pleasantries Dean figured. They shouldn't bother. Dean wouldn't.

The angel, Raphael didn't care at all as he made his way over in his feminine vessel. These angels and their abilities to not care who you possessed or how old. He saw Castiel once possess a child, Jimmy's little girl. Dean's heart lurched at the thought of the wayward awkward angel. He didn't want to think about him right now, not when he was currently locked in a glare contest with the biggest douche-bag with wings at the moment.

"I require your assistance for something. I will let you go, safe and sound if you do as I say. I will allow your brother and father figure to live long and happy lives if you do as I say. If you do not, you will suffer beyond words. I will make you remember things you didn't know happen because the memory was expunged from your memories but not from your soul. Every bad memory you have I will make it worse. And then, when you're ready to break again I will give you an option. Do as I say or you will suffer." Raphael said, voice deadly calm and honest. The worse kind of tone to use when threatening someone.

Because this is exactly what would happen.

"Are you prepared to listen to my proposition?" Raphael asked, obviously ready to remove the gag from Dean's oddly sore mouth. He cursed himself for getting caught so easily, he was practically caught with his pants down! Dean nodded and glared. The gag was removed and Dean remained quiet, he wasn't as stupid as most thought he was.

The dick with wings seemed rather happy with himself, well as happy as an expressive chunk of marble.

"Pray to Castiel, despite your falling out with him. He will call if you plead with him for help." Raphael said, the authority behind those words were clear. This was an order. And Raphael expected Dean to obey.

"I hate to break it to you, but Castiel won't be coming. Not for my prayers... Guy doesn't like me, and I don't like him. So why pray to a jackass it would be like praying to your missing Fa-" Dean's words were cut off with a hard backhand to his face that left him wondering if his jaw shattered. The pain suggested that it did.

With a firm hand gripping his jaw tightly, Raphael was face to face with him. Glaring daggers down at Dean, and seemingly borrowing holes right into Dean's soul. He fought to gasp through the hard grip on his probably bruised and injured jaw.

"You listen to me you insignificant fly, you will not speak of my Father or the deal be damned, I will make you suffer with my own hands. Pray to Castiel!" Raphael snarled, Dean felt a cold chill race down his spine in fear. And he hated the feeling. Dean did his best to stare steadily back into Raphael's eyes.

He hoped he was doing the right thing.

He hoped he wouldn't regret this.

He hoped...

"No." Dean hissed back, and in his own mind he couldn't help but think – _Here we go again... _

Raphael stood back, straight and livid. Looking down at Dean like he was a disgusting piece of garbage with maggots already crawling over his rotting corpse. Dean wouldn't be surprised if his body was left in such a state when they were done here. If they ever get done here. After all, angels could heal the living like his body was restored day after day in Hell.

Raphael left his sight and Dean could hear creaking as something was turned before the rack started to move so it was in a position that could make Dean look like he was lying down on an examination bed, just a twisted darkened version of it. His arms were stretched out in a cross like formation. His legs were spread enough to be shoulder width apart. That much he could tell.

"Do you realize what you have brought upon yourself Dean Winchester." Raphael pushed, probably in some twisted sense of mercy giving him an out. Dean felt his heart beat loudly, being strapped down and incapable of doing anything but taking it put him in a bad place. All he needed now was the smell of sulphur and flesh to push him into a full fledged panic attack. And he hated it. After all this time he was still broken. It left him wanting to know, why him.

But Castiel answered that, fate. And fate was a bitch.

"I don't have all day..." Dean managed, thankful that his voice didn't shake in the fear he was trying to keep swallowed away.

Raphael just gave him a disapproving look and moved to the head of the bed. Dean didn't have to strain to look up at him. Two feminine hands touched the sides of his head, fingers poking inward. Dean frowned, despite what the angel said he thought that he would be tortured physically.

"Not yet. We're just reminding you of a few things, why do the hard work when it's already there." Raphael explained and Dean glared. Though his glare tempered off into a scream as fingers sunk deep into his head and touching places he wanted to be left untouched.

The pain stopped when the fingers were pulled out. Dean was almost confused by the lack of memories and pain. Raphael gave a feral grin that would have made Alastair proud.

"What for it." Raphael suggested before taking a step back and walking somewhere Dean couldn't see. Dean wanted to ask what he meant by that when a sudden surge in his mind tore his ability to pay attention to anything but what his minds eye was seeing.

_Dean was afraid, petrified and not sure what to do here. This was not what he expected, there was nothing that made sense. Chains that didn't attach to anything. Nothing physical, nothing he could latch onto and focus on. Nothing below him, above him and as far as he could see nothing behind him. Just smoke, chains and the smell of sulphur. _

_He screamed for Sam. _

_Begged for Sam. _

_Save him. _

_Help him. _

_Anyone! _

_But no one came for awhile, and Dean couldn't tell you how much time passed him by until the sound of walking could be heard. Which immediately drew his attention and saw below him was a stone floor, the cracks were caked with blood and other things he didn't want to think about. Blinking he looked around, it looked like a medieval torture room. Everything including that bull that Sam said was never found. Guess he knows why now. _

"_Hello Mr. Dean Winchester. My name is Alastair, and I'll be your caretaker." A sneering voice sounded from behind him as hooks were carelessly torn from his body, taking flesh with them. Dean whimpered and yelped at the pain. He looked to where the voice was coming from and made contact with two pale white eyes that were connected to a partially rotting corpse and smoke all shifting together to form a tall and large demon who held himself with confidence that would only piss Dean off where they topside. _

_But this was Hell and Dean was out of his comfort zone. _

_Instinct told him it was going to be bad. Very bad. _

Dean didn't know how bad it was going to be, but he was right. It was bad. Dean didn't know if he was screaming in his memory or if he was screaming and hollering in reality. But the pain, the pain and the memories and the smells all felt too real. Far too real to be normal.

Dean couldn't have told you how long it lasted in real time, but he remembered everything from beginning to end that left his voice raw and sore and his ability to speak past screams and whimpers mute. The angel seemed pleased. Dean wondered what kind of God would allow his creations to be so cruel. It wasn't fair.

He wanted...

"Pray to Castiel." Raphael repeated when he was satisfied with the fact that Dean looked him in the eye with a dimmed fire of resistance and defiance.

He wanted Sam...

He wanted Bobby...

Oh God... He wanted Castiel.

His jaw hurt, his mind hurt and if he didn't see in a mirror that wasn't there before his body felt torn apart and broken down. But it was still whole, still fine and in one piece.

"Pray." Raphael repeated as he crowded Dean's line of sight.

Could he do this? He said yes to Alastair, to say yes himself from the pain. And this time he was saying yes to end the pain again. But...

Cas.

Sam.

Bobby.

Who's to say that Raphael won't go back on his word after Dean prays to Castiel. Swallowing as best that he could with a raw throat. He hoped this was the right decision and not a foolish one.

"No..." Dean whispered. Trying to glare through his own pain.

It didn't work as everything started all over again. There was a table off to the side with sharp silver objects were. Knives and torture devices. Eventually Raphael would decide to get his vessel's delicate hands dirty.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Sam felt like he was punched in the stomach, Castiel was doing the exactly the same thing he was doing. The only difference was which demon was pulling the strings and the corrupting force that was used as a tool.

For Sam it was demon blood and good intentions to save his brother then to get revenge.

For Castiel, it was corrupted souls and good intentions that were warped beyond recognition.

He couldn't' imagine what Dean was going through at this very moment as he watched his brother storm out of their small hideaway that was being used until they could get back to Bobby's. Bobby was the one who suggested that they let him go clear his head, that was something Dean had to do sometimes in order to get himself back on track. Ever since Hell, he was worse off in that department. Shockingly this is the first time since Sam came back that he left his side outside of normal routines during hunts and traps they fall into.

Sam found out he was only gone for two and a half months, or at least that's how long his body was without a soul. Castiel fixed helped with that. Sam foolishly thought his brother was happy without him, and long story short Sam with his guilt for leaving his brother alone for that year managed to keep hunting and reconnected with Sarah who was shocked to hear from him. Turns out she may not be a hunter but she liked to study the Supernatural world all the same.

Sam ended up helping her with her mistakes.

Then the situation with the Campbells somehow blindsided Sam and Dean back into the Impala with each other through this hunt and that and the alpha hunts they were practically cornered into doing. Crowley was a clever bastard that's for sure. Sam could freely say that and mean it.

Things weren't easy granted for either of them, but they were getting better until suspicions started to rise about Castiel's trustworthiness. Dean was the last to cave and consider the option. He held onto his trust of Castiel the longest and hardest.

And Sam was angry for it.

Angry at Dean for remaining so foolish, but then again Dean held onto Sam and that could have been a foolish thing as well. And even angrier at Castiel for doing such a stupid thing. War or no war, there's no reason to lie and cheat and go behind your friends backs. It all led to arguments and clashes between Castiel and Dean, and Sam freely thanked God that they didn't come to physical blows.

And now, well now Dean was suffering for it and had to clear his head.

Sam slouched onto the couch and Bobby made himself comfortable in the chair. They both decided they had to get some shut eye and the area was already set up to protect them. They could afford a few minutes of rest.

~5 hours, 19 minutes, 6 seconds~

"Boy. Sam! Wake up." Bobby's gruff voice cut through the sleep and Sam shifted so he could sit up. His body felt cramped from such an awkward position. He wasn't even laying down when he fell asleep.

"Bobby..." Sam muttered as he looked around to see if Dean came back with a forced smile and mask with some smart-ass thing to say to either distract them from what was going on with Dean.

"Dean didn't come back, lets go find that idjit." Bobby forced out as he stood up and walked towards the front door. It took less then a few seconds for Sam to be up and ready to go. It was the same thing with either of them, they both react pretty quickly when their brother was either not there or in trouble.

They got into Bobby's truck while leaving the Impala tucked away beside the small place they were currently using as their base of operation. Sam already had his phone out and tried to phone Dean.

He tried three times before someone picked up. Only it wasn't Dean, it was a young man's voice.

"Who's this?" Sam asked, not bothering with the identity business. Just wanting to know who has his brother's phone and where Dean was. Bobby shot a cautious glance over at him, both of their stomachs probably dropping at the fact that someone else was answering the phone. For a hunter, that could be bad news.

Sam listened and his heart pounded in his chest.

"Sam." Bobby tried, but Sam shushed him with a wave of the hand before hanging up simply because the kid pulled a finders keepers stunt on him at the end. Sam took a few minutes to pull himself together before turning his attention to Bobby who pulled off to the side and gave him one of those classic Bobby looks that told him that he had to speak up.

"The kid said he found the phone dropped on the ground... Along with a gun. The Colt. Like they were just dropped there and was left... Then the brat hung up on me." Sam said, though his face darkening at the thoughts of a kid having the Colt and the fact that Dean obviously didn't make it to the bar last night, he wouldn't have done something like that with the Colt. That was practically Dean's weapon of choice sometimes.

From that point on it took about one hour and thirty minutes to track the kid down, take back the phone and the gun. Get further information out of him before a good swat upside the head and a dark threat of why he shouldn't touch a gun like this again. Sam wasn't in a mood to deal with kids, they were brats and snots.

Bobby felt like he didn't have to say anything, the kid was already crying. Just called him an 'idjit' and 'two kinds of stupid'.

The most important thing was that they didn't know what happened to Dean. And they had no one to turn to in order to find him. And Sam was definitely not going to call Castiel. Pride wouldn't allow that. And wrath might have a hand in it too.

Bobby was slightly more willing to the idea, as a last ditch effort though that was probably brought up to appease Sam's temper. But could you blame him? This was his big brother he was talking about, the one who showed him most of what he knows. Dean was practically a father figure Sam shouldn't have had, they were brothers for crying out loud!

"You ain't going to be helping Dean any if you remain sulking like that..." Bobby growled as he scratched off another name of possible leads.

"Well what do you want to do? Call Cas, oh that's right. He's the reason Dean had to leave in the first place. Because of that feathery prick!" Sam angrily spat aiming a glare to the ceiling like he was trying to glare at Castiel himself. He didn't call Castiel by Cas anymore, that was an affectionate term the angel never understood.

He heard a tired sigh from Bobby as the older hunter rubbed his face tiredly, Sam could see he was worried.

"I don't know, Sam but we best be figuring out something and soon." Bobby said, his tone taking on a more tired edge to it. Sam relented enough to go back to work, hoping that Dean would walk through any minute so they could get all the yelling out of the way and relax in the thankfulness that he was okay.

But no one came through that door. Not a soul.

It wasn't until the end of the day the poured a circle of holy oil and summoned Castiel. Sam knows they made mistakes, and he prayed to whomever was listening that this wasn't going to be one of them. Even as the angel he once called friend glared them down. Sam glared back. Bobby was forced to be the reason.

~Scene Change~

Dean laid limply, panting and his voice long since leaving him from the screams that was forced from his lungs. His body moist from sweat and his own fear and anxiety taking a deep routed hold. Raphael was obviously taking another approach as memories of thirty years under his former master's knife and razor's by some miracle wasn't working.

Dean didn't even know why he was trying to protect Castiel, after what the angel has done. He knew why he wasn't letting Raphael have a chance at Sam or Bobby, he just hoped they would remain hidden enough so that they stayed safe.

The table of shining blades and razors was pulled closer and Raphael was now wearing a lab coat. A gag was placed in his mouth after his last answer was used through a nod saying 'no'.

"I read your memories, so I'm aware of what to do with each of these. However we are going to have to be careful or else Death would get his boney fingers around your life and take you from here. He seems to be fond of you, or as fond as he could be to anyone." Raphael said as he choose a thin blade. Handle delicate enough for feminine hands to hold onto with a good grip.

Dean felt his skin twitch as he watched as the blade was lowered to his stomach blade. He could already feel the pain that knife was going to cause, almost like it was just used on him moments ago. He knows what this is, phantom pains and memories his body remembers.

Dean tried to brace himself only to quickly discover that he couldn't as the blade punctured his body deep enough to cause bleeding but not to kill. That wasn't the purposes of this situation. It was to help him cave into his demands.

And for the next fifteen minutes his body was cut into, scratched and his wounds agitated. Blood loss forced him to get confused and sometimes he could have sworn that Alastair was there guiding the angel's torturing technique. Mocking Dean. Mocking his weakness. Mocking the angel's skills.

His blood coated the rack beneath him. A familiar feeling he never wanted to experience again.

"You could always pray for help." Raphael asked, or was that Alastair? Either way, there was no help for him here. This was another kinder version of Hell. Only this time there was no angels here to save him. Give him back his humanity and return him to his brother. Sam wouldn't be able to save him either, he didn't want Sam to see him in such a broken down state. He was a sorry excuse of what he used to be.

Dean just took one small act of rebellion and looked the other way. He was prepared for another session of pain brought on by those knives but a gentle hand on his forehead just put him into another loop of his worst memories.

Dean tried to block his own screams that came despite how much his throat hurt. He could taste blood from him biting his tongue or lips in order to muffle it.

"_Do you know what that vat is?" Alastair's voice rang out, Dean had to fight to focus on the sound of it as he hung from a black ceiling about fifteen feet above the floor. The chains just disappeared into that darkness and sometimes Dean toyed with the idea of disappearing in that darkness too so Alastair couldn't reach him anymore. _

_He ha already been here for twenty seven years. _

_He wanted it to end. _

_But he couldn't. And he couldn't even remember why. The offer to pick up that blade was so tempting sometimes and Alastair sounded like he really didn't want to torture Dean anymore. Shaking his head no he was quickly chastised for not speaking. _

_Dean by some miracle managed to force out a no from his damaged vocal cords. They were either damaged or on the floor in front of him along with most of his organs. Here, it didn't matter how much blood you lost or how many organs or muscle was stripped from your body. You were still aware of everything. And your body remembers everything. _

"_That my boy is acid. I didn't get the chance to try it yet. Do you want to try it?" Alastair asked kindly, strolling in front of Dean. _

_The proper answer would be yes. Yes to every cut and chunk stolen away from him. _

_Dean whimpered, he didn't want to say yes. He knows it's going to hurt, everything does. _

"_I'm waiting." Alastair pushed. And that was worse then saying no, Alastair didn't like to be kept waiting. _

"_Sure..." Dean whimpered as he felt fear vibrate through his body. _

_Why him? What did he do wrong to deserve this? _

Dean struggled in the binds holding him down, blood was coating his body. A perk because it could possibly be used somehow. But outside of struggling, Dean didn't feel like he could do anything but struggle and hope.

But he won't pray. He can't. He just can't.

He didn't know how much more of this he could take before he shatters and does whatever Raphael wants him to do no matter the cost. Just so long as the pain stops.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Dean was aware that two days, seven hours and thirty two minutes passed since he first woke up on this rack. Raphael's cheap plastic and metal rack.

Two days, seven hours and thirty three minutes since he woke up to pain and agony of both his mind, body and if he didn't know better his soul as well. Or maybe his soul was hurting as well. Either way, his world was made of pain now. And because Raphael explained what his role in Heaven used to be, Dean knows the Archangel knew full well what he was doing. And not from Dean's memory's alone, that was probably used to harm Dean even more.

He wondered if he was going to be saved?

But he doubted it at the moment, so he was going to have to do one of two things. Give up, something he was taught to never do. It was the Winchester way of doing things. Or two, make his own way out of this situation. Only this was an Archangel, and angels alone was hard to deal with let alone dealing with a Archangel. It was practically dealing with an angel on steroids. Well natural steroids considering the power they have is their own, given to them by their hands off father.

Cas was the one who...

Dean frowned, not wanting to fall onto that general thought. It hurt and he couldn't understand why he was not praying to the angel and drawing him into an obvious trap. Why was he protecting him?

He didn't know how much blood he lost. Or how long he was staring at a blade that was set down on the table beside him. Raphael just finished killing one of his followers who came in and was instantly horrified by the state of the 'righteous man' and Raphael in his frustrations took it out on his follower.

Raphael was cleaning the other angel's blades, the greedy petite male version of a follower was obviously compensating. Dean had to shut his eyes tightly at another flash of memories that left him panting. It didn't even draw Raphael's attention, why would it? He was the one who put Dean into this position.

He was the one who hurt Dean!

Dean managed to twist his wrists and forced one out of the slippery restraint, not caring that he probably tore skin and gave himself bone deep bruises. Everything hurt anyway. A knock on the door and Raphael stiffened up. Dean froze, instantly anxious at being caught and as much as he hated to admit it, but he was afraid of the consequences that he was sure he was going to suffer.

Raphael spotted him, a disgusted sneer crossed features of a vessel that probably never sneered like that before. Still it looked all too natural to be normal. Dean's heart started to beat as the cursed Archangel stalked his way to Dean's location. His mind frantically grabbed for any idea, any suggestion on how to get out of this situation. Leaving his body to react on instinct alone.

He grabbed the blade that was sitting harmlessly on the little table next to his cheap and plastic rack.

"No!" Raphael snarled, obviously hating his lax cautiousness after two days of having Dean helpless and screaming in pain and for mercy but not praying.

_Ten years passed so far, Dean was left alone. Only once every year he left alone for some time. Last ten times Dean tried to escape, and needlessly said it didn't work out all that well when it came to Dean's favour. In fact, Alastair made him pay for it and apologize over and over and over again. Other then that, he seemed amused by the notion, like he knew or set the scenario up again. _

_To what? Break him? It didn't work, it just made him feel a bit more helpless and his situation feel just a little bit more hopeless. _

_Still it didn't stop Dean from trying and this year was no different. He wasn't chained to the rack, so he carefully slide off uncaring how his body was nude and bared to the eyes of Hell that dared to look to Alastair's corner. Demons were just as afraid of the demon as the souls chained up and ready for the picking. Not that Dean blamed them, Alastair was a frightening visage of everything evil. _

_He was past caring that the warm liquid on the ground was his own blood and against the walls was his own organs and bones. Set up nicely to pay homage to the other times he was carved into. He could see his skull staring back at him with green eyes. It was disturbing and didn't follow the rules he lived by. It wasn't natural. _

_But this was Hell. _

_Dean picked up a lengthened machete that was good for cutting through bones. Dean knows because this blade cut through his many times and it was sickening to pick up something that hurt him so badly on more then one occasion. But he was desperate, he had to get out. With a deep breath he moved slowly towards the door. _

_A smaller demon entered, dropping off a case of razors specifically crafted by the looks of it. Bones in place of regular handles. Dean knows this because the lid was clear and the blades gleamed enticingly in the light. _

_Dean attacked the demon, letting the case fall to the ground. _

_His attack was wild, untamed and with an aim his father would chastise him for when it comes to how reckless it was. But he had to get out! He didn't care at the moment and fled past the demon and out of the door. Not knowing where he was going. Not caring, just away. _

_Fear gripped him when he found himself surrounded by other demons, above him he could hear the helpless screaming of souls waiting for attention from demons and screams from souls on racks. _

_Dean spun around to see Alastair approaching. _

"_Enjoy students." Alastair's said, holding his hand out in a gesture that clearly offered Dean to their amusement. _

"_No!" Dean screamed as he crouched and prepared to uselessly defend himself. _

~Scene Change~

Castiel did not know why he agreed to go along with Sam and Bobby's whims after they trapped him in the ring of holy oil. But something, somewhere in him screamed at him to do it. Past the souls, past his own goals and his own purposes. Past his dealings with a demon. Something in him screamed and pleaded with him to help.

So he was using his post in Heaven to search as far as he can and into the very depths of Hell.

But for two days and one hour he couldn't get the hints of a location.

Something that drove Sam to be increasingly cold with him. And Bobby to fret like a worried father in between getting angry at Castiel. Did they not understand that he was fighting a war here? Did they not know that he was busy, too busy already to simply give his time for free. But...

He agreed to.

And he always keeps his word.

Always.

"Why can't you find him! He could be..." Sam snarled, his tone taking a darker edge to it. Castiel fought not to glare at the tainted human, a former friend.

"He would not be harmed by demons, Crowley knows better..." Castiel said, perhaps a foolish thing to say but he already made it clear to Crowley what would happen if he touched either of the Winchester's or Bobby Singer.

"For an angel you're pretty stupid boy. Crowley may not do something openly, but he ain't no idjit either. He's patient and that's the worst thing to have in a demon." Bobby said as he took his cap off and whipped his face before setting the cap on again. Castiel couldn't understand why he was wearing a hat inside.

"I know!" Castiel snapped, not intending to show emotion but he did. At least he didn't use his true voice. Be thankful for small mercies.

"If you don't think it's demons, then who?" Sam growled out, though underneath the growled tone Castiel picked up the telling sings of tired concern.

"This is a long shot, and I'm not certain I am correct. But perhaps Raphael." Castiel suggested as he thought over the chances and stretching his senses out for the Archangel. And as an Archangel, he can't simply disappear so easily when one is actually looking for them. It simply wasn't an easy task though, in the end.

"How would we know?" Bobby asked, Castiel turned to regard him for a moment.

"I will go search for him in Heaven and then contact his followers to suggest that both sides sit down to talk..." Castiel calmly explained, already playing the scenario out in his mind. This sort of scenario was one the Winchesters would use when they required information on someone during the apocalypse and before that as well.

"You're going to lie to them in order to flush Raphael out." Bobby pointed out, Castiel turned from where he was standing to move towards the door, they had sigils up to make sure he simply couldn't fly from the house now. The lack of trust was nothing more than an annoyance.

"Yes." Castiel admitted calmly.

"You changed. Not for the better either." Bobby said, Castiel frowned at the sorrow he heard in the older hunter's voice. He knows sorrow only comes when you're speaking with someone you care for in some way. Especially when accompanying the words he decided to use.

"Why? Because I am using tactics I myself have seen you two use?" Castiel found himself snapping at them, how can they not understand what he was doing. Though he had to remind himself that during the apocalypse their friendship was forged out of necessity, and the severing of that connection this time around was for the same necessity.

It was sad, if he had to admit to anything at all.

"Don't bother." Castiel coldly said before either of them could say anything after their initial flinch. As soon as he was outside he took off back to Heaven. Feeling heavier then he was before he reported back to Bobby and Sam.

~Scene Change~

Sam shook in rage as he watched Castiel leave. He didn't even know who he was angrier at. Himself for the truth in Castiel's last parting words or at Castiel for having the audacity to blame them for this.

Castiel was how old! He as an angel should know better then this! Anyone who had a neutral view of the situation or even Sam's view would agree to the foolishness of the situation. The only thing that pulled him out of his rage induced stupor was the sound of a phone ringing. Bobby answered it. And by his voice he was shocked, concerned and maybe even a little relieved.

Sam gave a questioning look only to have a look of don't say a word back.

As soon as Bobby hung up Sam spoke up,

"What was that about?"

"That was a contact of mine, she works at a hospital. I helped her out awhile back." Bobby started to explain, though he wasn't surprised when Sam interrupted him. It was a common theme with the boys when anything regarded each other.

"Well?!" Sam pushed, both anxious and dare he say a bit hopeful as well. Maybe this contact had some good news for a change.

"We have to call Castiel back down here, we got a lot of ground to cover." Bobby explained as he stood up and walked over to where his beg was, he had a bag ready to go in case they found Dean and needed to make a quick trip as fast as they could go.

"Why?" Sam demanded, not aware that he was standing at full height reminding Bobby just how tall that boy was.

"Dean was brought into the hospital. Badly injured, she says it looks like he was tortured to a state she never thought possible. We gotta go figure out what happened." Bobby explained calmly as he headed towards the door. Already speaking aloud to Castiel knowing the angel could hear him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Sam was pleased that Castiel came as soon as they called, without words he brought them to the back of the hospital where Dean was brought and they walked around to the front and into the hospital. Much to his dismay Castiel followed them, Sam tried to turn around and tell him to leave but Bobby kept him going forward until they found someone who could tell them what was going on. Sam used the truth, he was Dean's brother. And Bobby was the closes thing they had to a father figure. Castiel. Sam didn't bring that up and simply told the doctor it was okay. Reluctantly the doctor went ahead and explained everything to them.

Dean was still in surgery to close up the many knife wounds that covered his upper body and the souls of his feet. They would be hooking him up to drips that would help him with blood-loss, dehydration and the pain he would be feeling. For his mindset however, the doctor said it was too early to tell.

The second the doctor left Castiel actually volunteered to heal Dean. Bobby was the one to actually speak up this time rather then Sam being the ass all the time with this situation. But could you blame Sam? This was his brother, his big brother. His hero and best friend who was in surgery at the moment.

"You think that would make everything better?! That boy was the last one to accept the fact that you were working with Crowley, that everything was a lie. You were the one who raised him from perdition, so you should know what things mean to him better then most! And yet, you did everything anyway. You told him to his face that he pretty much meant nothing to you when you probably meant the world to him. He called you family boy, and he don't let people close like that easily. You took that and threw it back in his face, you chose a demon over him. You trusted a demon over him. He would have helped you from the start and he would have done so gladly. I wouldn't be surprised if he wouldn't do so much as sell his own soul for you. That's what family means to him." Bobby snapped, not caring if anyone else heard. People would just think he's a crazy drunk anyway.

Sam felt a pang of guilt at the fact that he at one time chose a demon over Dean as well. But he fixed that and Sam knows that it's the right thing to let Castiel try to do the same. But there's a few things that Sam can't let go of and can't bring himself to give the angel a chance. After all, Sam may have made that choice too. But he didn't put anything else in danger except for his bond with his brother.

Castiel however did, or his partner in crime did. Lisa and Ben were hurt, had their memories erased and with that Dean was erased from their lives. Castiel and Crowley took that life away from Dean. All Castiel had to say about that was, I'm sorry. Like that's good enough. Sam could beg the differ. It wasn't good enough, to Sam it'll never be good enough. This was Dean he was talking about, the man who grew up at age four and took on the role of parent and brother at the same time. The man who's afraid to let people come to close because of what always seems to happen.

Abandoned, betrayed or die.

Sam and Bobby were pretty much all Dean had left. It wasn't much, but it was something. Right?

"I did all of this for..." Castiel said holding his arms out slightly. Sam could hear the emotions in his voice, desperation and other things he's not used to hearing in Castiel's voice.

"Don't you go spewing that bullshit again, you only get to use that excuse once. Face the facts..." Bobby snapped at him, cutting him off. Most people wouldn't dare raise their voices against an angel who could kill you in a second flat. But Sam figured Bobby had enough of this situation and playing the reasonable one.

"Sam..." Castiel started, Sam glared.

"I damn well know the shit Sam did. And look what it got him. You know what happened. And yet you went ahead and worked with a demon, swallowed corrupted souls." Bobby forced out before rubbing his face then fixing his hat. Hospitals weren't safe, they would have to move Dean as soon as they can. But they don't have a car so they're going to have to rent one.

"That was planned..." Castiel pleaded with them, something that wasn't lost on Sam but it didn't change the facts of the situation. And he was getting made at his own mistakes being thrown in his face.

"And that makes your decisions better." Sam snarled.

"Excuse me." A middle aged woman said, a doctor by the looks of her attire.

"Lindsey. How are you doing?" Bobby said, this must have been his contact.

"I'm doing fine, you three might want to keep your voices down. Here, this came in with him I managed to keep it hidden." Lindsey said as she handed a bag over and Bobby. Sam looked into the bag as Bobby peered in it, cursing under his breath.

"Thanks, how long until we can get Dean out of here?" Bobby said, keeping his tone pleasant with her despite the frustrations and anger he must be feeling at the moment.

"Well, surgery is nearly over and he's going to be brought down soon. I would take it easy, I'd say don't leave the hospital but I know you hunters tend to avoid these places when you can. So I suggest wait at least three hours for him to wake up fully when he's brought down. I suppose you don't have extra clothing for him do you? The ones he was wearing was awfully bloody and got cut away." Lindsey answered, eyeing the three of them carefully. Her arms crossed and Sam figured she probably has a lot of questions she wants answered and will probably call Bobby on it later if she doesn't ask now.

"Okay. Thank you, I'll phone you later because we both know how nosey you are." Bobby said, voice still light and pleasant but his words left no room for argument. She took the hint thankfully and left reluctantly.

"Well?" Sam asked the second it was safe to do so.

"Angel blade." Bobby said as he pulled it out, it was still covered with blood on both the handle and the end of it. Clearly stabbed into someone and pulled out. Castiel took the blade, and was glared at for it. Bobby wasn't entirely amused by the gesture.

"This is an Archangel's blade. I recognize it as Raphael's." Castiel explained before disappearing without further warning.

Sam hated it when he does things like that.

"Didn't bother stick around and say what that means." Bobby complained and Sam couldn't agree more. But they had other things to worry about then a former friend.

~Scene Change~

Castiel didn't know how it was possible, he couldn't even grasp how it could have happened in the first place. He used the blade as a tracking device to find it's owner. Something no one but an angel could do if they even knew how to do it in the first place. Castiel had to learn after the Apocalypse and he was getting better at it.

But here he was standing in a room that looked like it used to be spotless and sanitized. Now there was blood focusing around the rack in the centre of the room. Beside it was a rolling table full of used cutting tools, some of them spilt onto the ground obviously when something was grabbed off of it in a hurry.

Ashes were all that there was left of one angel Castiel didn't know, it might have been a follower of Raphael who interrupted his interrogations. And next to the rack was Raphael, wings scorching the ground in a clear sign that the Archangel was dead. The leader of the opposition was dead and now the civil war in Heaven has turned around in his favour.

Without needing Purgatory after all.

It was almost over.

Castiel couldn't stop the relief he felt at that. He didn't want to fight a war to start with. But the relief was short lived when he remembered who's blood he was standing in as he looked down on the fallen Archangel. And with it came the knowledge of everything else. And above all else how was someone so powerful like this killed by someone who was just a man. Only human.

A human shouldn't have been able to kill someone like Raphael.

But then again, Dean killed Zachariah and looked him in the eyes while doing so and didn't suffer any side-effects that come from looking at the grace of an Angel. Even a dying angel. So maybe that meant something?

Dean was also the righteous man and vessel for Michael. That could have helped there?

Or was it something else?

Castiel would have prayed for answers, but since his own prayers was never answered he didn't bother. And the guilt at not doing it only made him falter for a second before moving on. And destroying the evidence of what happened in this room. Even if Bobby and Sam came looking for answers here, they won't find it. And Castiel was doing this for there protection.

Now he had to figure out what to do next.

He had to set up some order in Heaven.

He had to deal with Crowley.

And Dean...

He didn't know what to do there. So much has changed between himself and his charge. And not for the better in the end. So where did that leave Castiel? After everything he has done for Dean and unfortunately to Dean, where does that leave him? He couldn't stop some of his anger at the situation from bubbling to the surface. Anger that after everything Castiel has done for Dean, including falling and giving everything up for him he had the nerve to look down on Castiel's decisions. Even if his choices weren't what some would consider good decisions. They were still his. Only he now felt torn about that, and it was Robert Singers fault! Him and his words. Always words.

Walking away from the building that looked old and decrepit on the outside Castiel simply walked, not really caring about his direction. Why should he when all of Earth was open to him. One time he asked Dean what he did when he needed to clear his head, Dean looked confused for a moment like he was trying to figure out why Castiel was asking him that question. But he got an answer. Drive in his Impala with no direction simply for the action of driving.

Castiel didn't have a car to do that, so he walked. And it wasn't helping.

In the end he found himself sitting in on a bench overlooking a playground where children played freely and carelessly. Laughing, calling out for each other in games like tag or chaotic game of soccer without any rules.

He had doubts.

"Never really figured you to be a parks man." A voice said from behind him, a voice with a telltale British accent.

Castiel turned and regarded Crowley coldly.

"Leave." Castiel ordered coldly. Crowley smiled, the smile contradicted the disapproval and loathing in the demons eyes. Castiel didn't care, but he knows he has to play his cards carefully with this one.

"What, after everything we done so far you're just going to tell me to leave and be done with it. Sorry love, but you've done too much to simply back out. You and I have tortured and hunted down Alpha's. Remember, to unlock Purgatory. Our plan." Crowley instantly said as he walked out so he was standing in front of Castiel rather then behind like he was.

"Plans change. Leave now, before I crush you." Castiel said, not really knowing what he was going to do. But as he said, plans change. They always have.

"Not so easy love, you know that." Crowley taunted in the only way he could. Castiel hated it. And he despised having that emotion. Angels weren't meant to experience emotions, they weren't meant to deal with things like free will. Yet here he was, dealing with it all. It must be some sick cruel joke.

Castiel stood up, anger and frustration showing in his posture.

"Do not come near me again, do you understand me. Do so and I will destroy you in any way possible. Forget about Purgatory." Castiel ordered, glowering at the demon who now freely glared back, the mask of civilization gone from the twisted and loathing face of a demon. Castiel will have to deal with Crowley and his petty vengeance later.

For now, he leaves to go back to the hospital.

He'll have to ask Dean how he managed to do what he did.

**Authoress Note: **So what do you guys think so far? And what do you think should happen next?


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Castiel entered the hospital and into the private room the doctor Lindsey managed to get Dean into so Sam and Bobby would be able to stay with the broken down hunter. It was unnerving to see Dean in such a state, Dean who was defiant to the end and always building himself up to appear strong. Dean who only broke down once and nearly made a mistake of saying yes to Michael.

Looking back on that now, Castiel should have expected it after all since being dragged up from Hell Dean never got the chance to heal and was thrown into a war he shouldn't have dealt with. A war against Heaven and Hell and fighting to hold onto his brother in the midst of it.

Perhaps Castiel should not have reacted the way he did. But he was frustrated with Dean, angry at his own situation and what happened, happened.

Now however there was more important things to figure out, he needed to know. The drive of that need was stronger then he expected.

Bobby and Sam were on chairs in the room, they didn't see him because Castiel didn't want them to see him. Turning his attention from them he set his hand on the man's forehead, he couldn't heal him because of situations that already passed and it would give away his presence. And like it was pointed out to him, it wasn't like it could fix everything. It won't change anything. But it would have taken away the physical pain. He could have at least did that for Dean. If only that.

Closing his eyes he focused on Deans memories.

He saw the torture Raphael done himself and Castiel felt rage trickle to the front. It's one thing knowing what his enemy has done but to see it through Dean's eyes was another thing. It was almost like he himself was getting cut into.

Castiel also saw how Raphael used memories to hurt him further. Memories of being tortured by Alastair, and that alone damaged Dean to a fair sized degree. Castiel could feel Dean's pain radiating from his core. He could also hear his own words to Dean, spoken in coldness. Denouncing Dean to his face and everything the man counted as important. It was a weird thing to feel yourself being hurt by your own words.

Castiel wouldn't be able to stand any more of this if he didn't get to the memory he needed.

But he finally found it and not a moment too late.

_Dean was panicked and couldn't see straight, Castiel understood this. Dean knows he's literally staring his own demise down with one arm restrained, his legs restrained and his only free hand was injured from being forced from it's restraint and holding onto an archangel's blade like it was life itself. Castiel didn't give himself a moment to admire the conviction Dean has when it comes to survival. _

"_You miserable little insect!" Raphael snarled as he approached in his deceivingly female form. Raphael was within striking distance and moving very quickly to squash Dean's life out of his body with Raphael's bare hands. _

_Dean did not say anything, which was a mild shock to Castiel. What shocked him further though was a thought, a prayer. A plea. _

_'Please God... Let this hit...' _

_It was a shock because Dean never prays to anyone but Castiel, and not even him anymore. But yet here he was pleading with Castiel's father, his creator. The one who Castiel himself prayed to for a sign. Any sign. _

_It was a weird sensation though, to watch the blade sink into Raphael's body and have the sensation that something guiding the hand that held the blade to make a perfect hit through blurry vision. _

Letting the memory go Castiel took a few steps back. Who could have helped Dean make a kill in an impossible situation. Dean shouldn't have been able to kill an archangel in the state that he was. It was not supposed to be something that's done. Castiel couldn't shake the cold chill that travelled down his spine.

He had to leave.

He had to get out.

And with that he fled the hospital with a desperate flick of his wings. He could understand the implications of what might have happened. Someone helped Dean. And Castiel didn't want to hope who it was, because then why was He back now and why didn't He fix everything rather then just help one man. One human. Just because he asked for it.

When Castiel asked for help, a sign. He got nothing. Castiel was left on his own with his own devices. And he made so many mistakes.

"Castiel!" A voice Castiel recognizes as Balthazar called from behind him. Turning to face the angel who helps but doesn't help in the war. A close friend of his.

"Balthazar..." Castiel greeted, he could hear the concern in Balthazar's voice. Castiel leaves the question 'are you okay' unspoken but hanging in the air.

"Mate, you've got yourself a mutiny upstairs. Apparently a demon has been going around to both sides of the fight, starting with Raphael's followers with vivid proof that you're worked with a demon. Tell me it's all a scam, that you of all people are working with a demon." Balthazar started, and Castiel could tell that he was on guard for the time being and cautious of their surroundings. And that in turn made Castiel all that more concerned with their surroundings.

"Bal..." Castiel started, he really didn't know what to say but he had to say something. Anything at least.

"You idiot, you were! Weren't you?!" Balthazar snapped, like he had the right to. Castiel glared slightly.

"You who steals and makes deals, you're questioning my choices..." Castiel started in, not able to help himself.

"Yes because I may be a thief and make deals, but I'm not the head of a civil war. Castiel I'm not here to discuss my moral issues, I'm here to warn you about yours and the falling out this is going to have..." Balthazar shot back, making any argument Castiel could have made void.

"What do you mean?" Castiel asked, dread settling deep into his grace.

"Are you really this naive. Cassie, they're discussing your fate. Some are calling for your head on a silver platter as an example. Others are talking about casting you out like Michael did to Lucifer. Either way, they want you out of Heaven. I'll try to talk them out of it... But Castiel I say this as kindly as I can... You're fucked. Just stay on Earth okay. Let me handle this." Balthazar explained, his voice taking on a softer tone which was uncommon for him.

With that Castiel was alone and found himself on the ground in shock. It turns out Crowley doesn't waist time when he has work to do. And by the looks of things, his work was to ruin Castiel.

A rare bitter chuckle came from Castiel, he should have expected this. Everything was falling apart and rapidly.

Did no one realize why he did it. What his intentions were when he started down this path? Didn't they see, could they not look past their own ignorant views and arrogance to understand what Castiel was trying to do!

Turning towards the sound of a conversation that turned out to be scolding under further examination between a mother and her teenage child. Her words struck Castiel to the core as she entered the building.

The child had good intentions from what he could tell from his defence in the conversation, the mother shot back a scolding:

_'You know what road was paved with good intentions, just wait until your father hears about this.' _

To anyone else that might have just been coincidence but Castiel was old and he knows above others that coincidence's are actually hard to come by. Everything has a purpose, even if it's by your own will and subconscious there still is a purpose and a meaning. With a thud Castiel's head hit the back of the tree he found himself leaning against.

He trusted Balthazar, true. But he really wanted to do something about this mess that was starting. He wanted people to understand what he was trying to do. He needed to do something.

Closing his eyes tightly he opened them when he sensed a presence, demonic. Crowley. Opening his eyes he stared down the smug demon who stood before him.

"You really shouldn't be playing these sorts of games with me darling. I've been doing it longer then you had your weak free will." Crowley calmly said, though even Castiel could tell the calmness the demon showed was completely false. You just had to look into his eyes to see the barely concealed rage.

"What did you do." Castiel pushed. He already had a good idea of what the answer was going to be, but asked anyway.

A dark chuckle that ended just as quickly as it started came from the demon king before him.

"Me? Only spoke some truth, you should be happy for me. A demon who doesn't lie. But you and I both know that truths can be more useful then a quickly put together lie. I'd watch yourself, just a friendly warning for old times sake." Crowley replied, a natural found smugness found in the demons words. It was almost laughable to hear about a demon speaking truths, but Castiel kept that reaction hidden away.

"Why? Because of the fact that I went back on our deal, news flash I only agreed to it because I required your assistance in the civil war. My enemy is dead so there was no need to carry on the farce you and I have been dancing around lately." Castiel shot back, perhaps foolishly but he wasn't in a position of caring at the moment. Who cared if a demon got harmed verbally or insulted when Castiel had other things he had to worry about concerning Balthazar's situation and his own situation. A foolish move, but one that will be dealt with later on.

A glare and a dark look, it seemed like Crowley wanted to say something or yell something more but chose to disappear just as three angels appeared before him. Balthazar soon after joined them. Looking guilty and concerned.

"What is it?" Castiel asked calmly, Balthazar approached him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Castiel, I tried to talk them out of this as well, I really did..." Balthazar quietly said.

"You Castiel have failed in your purpose, and in the war. You have gone against Heaven and it's armies by negotiating with a demon and above all else, making a deal. We did not want to believe what we heard. But too much proof was given in abundance on the dirty things you have gotten up to as of lately." One angel spoke, voice colder then any temperature found on Earth.

"You should thank your friend for talking us out of your death." The second added, voice as cold as the first.

"We do however demand that you are to be cast out and your grace removed until the day you pass from the mortal life you are to be cursed with." The third finished.

Castiel felt his legs grow weak and fear creep into his thoughts and grace. He became human before, but that was by his own choice and for the human race. This time however it would be a punishment. This time rather then have his grace fade on him, it would be torn from him. He wanted to flee and he wanted to fight.

"Don't fight them Castiel, don't fight them. This is better then death, better then casting you into Hell as Lucifer was so very long ago." Balthazar added, tightening his grip on Castiel's shoulder. He could tell that Balthazar truly did regret the situation at hand, and was trying to help Castiel out. That didn't stop him from fearing the situation at hand.

Without further words they were transported outside of the city where there was no one watching or here to hear the scream that would unavoidably follow.

Castiel watched as they pulled out a small crystal swirling container elegant in it's design.

"Are you ready?" Balthazar asked quietly as two angels took hold of Castiel's arms holding him in place before the third. Castiel shook his head no, but that wouldn't matter.

The first thing they did was remove the souls he was loaned. All of which was put into a briefcase that Castiel didn't notice before. He could see their corrupted light spill out until it was closed tightly. He did that to be able to stand up in a war against an Archangel.

Didn't they realize what he was trying to do?! Trying to do for them all! For the Winchesters, Bobby and the rest of humanity!

The next thing that was done was the part that was extremely painful. The angel holding the small crystal container reached into him, which in itself was an unfamiliar sensation. It stung to have someone grip his grace. And then pulled. And tugged and squeezed.

He couldn't think of any pain greater at the moment of everything being pulled from him. The surrounding area lit up in blinding light and Castiel screamed out his agony in both his borrowed voice and his true voice. The surrounding animals that failed to flee fast enough learnt the effects that light and sound had on them as it would to any living creature unable to witness an angel's true form or voice.

"Sorry..." Balthazar whispered into Castiel's ear as he supported Castiel from behind for a moment before he too had to take part in stripping Castiel of everything that made him an angel. With Castiel's grace nearly gone his wings were the next to go.

Castiel didn't think he could scream any louder or any longer, but he did.

It all hurt. It hurt, so bad.

And then just like that it was done and the light faded from the area and the clouds that turned stormy for this punishment started to clear. The wind as well followed becoming nothing more then a breeze. The three angels left without a word. Balthazar tried to help him stand but Castiel pushed him away and collapsed on the ground and wept.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Castiel found it to be disorienting to not have his grace again. The last time he was losing his grace he was doing so slowly simply by being cut off from Heaven due to falling for the sake of humanity. For Dean's sake. Dean was so broken and nobody really took a good look at that, so he fell to keep an eye on him. For the most part. Castiel didn't regret falling, he didn't regret losing his grace then. When the apocalypse was over and done with Castiel left Dean to his own will, loyal to a fault and going with a promise he made. Castiel thought he would be fine.

So he left him then. And broke contact with the human.

That was where he went wrong first, Castiel figures. But he had good intentions! He really did, but then again so did Sam when drinking up demon blood. And look what happened there, Castiel should have learnt from that. He being what he was should have known better.

But things happened and he did things and fallen in a way that brought him to his knees harder. Castiel wondered if Lucifer would have felt how hard it was to fall if he wasn't so caught up in his anger.

And now...

Now he lost his grace by having it torn from his body. Taking away his status as an angel and leaving him mortal. And leaving him with a gender again. At least before he didn't have to deal with the whole gender thing despite what his vessel presented. Now he would have to pay some attention to that. And tend to human things like bathe, bathroom, clothing and everything that he couldn't really understand.

His body still ached as he made his way to his feet. Balthazar was still there and from the looks of it he was probably being called by higher ups. Castiel wondered if he would run away again? If he even could. Castiel must have said something in his body language because Balthazar was at his side again and helping him stand.

What did he do to deserve such friendship?

With that he reluctantly allowed Balthazar to take him back to the city in a slightly populated area so there appearance wouldn't attract attention. Balthazar seemed to hesitate to leave him, Castiel had to make sure he knows that Castiel would be fine and that he would call him if he needs help. Promised him. Only with that did Balthazar leave complaining about having to work again. Gruff like Bobby in a way Castiel couldn't help but notice.

Castiel felt so weak and so ashamed of himself and worse he felt lost. So very lost. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't any fair! He lost everything so rapidly and not for anyone this time but for his own foolishness. Yes good intentions were nice, but that led him down a road he didn't see coming. Didn't want to see coming.

How was Balthazar the only one who was able to look upon him with a semblance of kindness?

Castiel found it hard to walk sometimes because of how weak he felt and he must have given the wrong impressions at time. Some people he passed thought he was drunk others asked if he was okay. Most just disregarded him like garbage. And that stung the worst.

Castiel was lost now in more then one ways, he was trying to get back to the hospital. But he found himself standing in front of a church made of bricks, wood and devotion shown with how it gleamed in it's humble light. Castiel could see even without his grace that the building was loved. And not for the religion it held.

"Going to pray now, Castiel." A voice that set him on edge instantly said from behind him. Castiel turned around and glared at Crowley, silently cursing his horrible luck. And the wicked grin that didn't fit the civil appearance the demon liked to keep told Castiel that Crowley was aware of Castiel's situation.

Castiel had to think fast on what to do from here on out, if he wanted to survive this encounter. He knows full well what Crowley was capable of, he worked with him.

Two more demons appeared behind him. Castiel took notice of them but didn't move to flee or defend himself. Not yet anyway.

"Not so tough now, are you." Crowley sneered. Castiel didn't grace him with a reply, instead prepared himself to fight in order to escape. Worse comes to worse he'll pray to Balthazar and hope that the promise he was made to make was not just for show like a small part of him thinks. A foolish thought no doubt, but it's there.

~Hospital~

Dean could barely focus or open his eyes long enough to take in his surroundings. He must be safe though, he heard Sammy's voice. It sounded both loud and distant at the same time. And Sam sounded like he was worried Dean wanted to wake up in order to calm his brother down, looking after Sam was his responsibility. His job. But Dean barely had the strength to do much of anything. He couldn't keep his eyes open and could barely stay awake.

Flashes of what happened crossed his mind causing him to react in some way he wasn't fully aware of at the moment and by the way Sam was desperately trying to comfort him it must have been in a bad way. It must have been. He'll have to...

He'll have to do something about that. He just didn't know what at the moment, he couldn't focus enough to find that answer. From another direction he heard Bobby's voice. Safe. He was safe. And he didn't do what Raphael wanted him to do. He didn't pray.

He has yet to find his voice to tell them that he was okay, that he didn't do what Raphael wanted him to do. That he was okay and that he knows he's safe.

He has to... But couldn't as things went dark once again and he succumbed to sleep.

~Sam~

Sam would be panicking if it wasn't for the fact that his brother needed him. He was barely awake and already in a panic attack for a few seconds. But it was more then enough to worry Sam because it reminded him of times in the middle of the night when Dean was brought back by Castiel. Dean didn't know that Sam knows about those night, but he does. And Bobby was worried too, Sam could tell. The good thing was that at least he was showing signs of waking up soon. Then they could take Dean somewhere safe. They could go to Bobby's, that was home away from home for them. The Impala being the original home. Hotel rooms were just back up plans during hunts.

"At least he's going to wake up soon..." Sam said as he sat down beside the bed in a position that would allow him to see all around so no one or nothing could sneak up. He learnt some time ago that hospitals weren't safe for hunters, so he wouldn't keep Dean here any longer then he had to. Especially when he was so vulnerable to attack.

"At least we have that." Bobby agreed as he rubbed his face tiredly. Sam already decided then that he was going to drive, Bobby could look after Dean during that time. Bobby looked too tired to drive.

"How's he doing?" Lindsey asked, her voice soft and concerned as she went about her routine and checked his vitals and the readings on the machines in order to make sure everything was in order. She was kind, Sam liked that about her.

"He started waking up a few minutes ago but fell back to sleep." Sam answered. She nodded and by her expression Sam could tell that it was normal for some.

"He did go through surgery to close up a lot of the lacerations and some were pretty deep as well as make sure nothing is broken, it would take time for it to wear off." Lindsey explained calmly, she explained why the surgery was necessary earlier and Sam understood fully. Didn't really like it, surgery wasn't always the safest thing due to natural occurrences and supernatural ones. He just hoped that Tessa wasn't around and waiting to take Dean away. She was probably around anyway.

Sam nodded.

Lindsey left soon after, she already set it up somehow that allowed them to stay with Dean even after visiting hours because she was aware of their situation and understood the need to stick around and protect the fallen hunter in the hospital bed. Bobby left for a good hour ago to gather supplies they would need in order to change Dean's bandages when it's needed and extra clothing for Dean to wear when they leave.

Sam refused to leave and he knows Bobby understood that and that was probably why he wasn't even asked.

While he was alone with his brother Sam took that time to focus on other things like the former friend of there's. Despite everything he did wonder how the angel was doing and if he was okay. Dean would be worried about him as well despite everything. Dean was like that underneath the hard masks he wears, he worries about people even when they either leave him or betray him. He still worries about them. He just doesn't always admit to it though.

With a weary sigh he rubbed his face. Sam wanted to feel bad for Castiel but how can he when the same mistakes Sam made, Castiel readily made them regardless. And then to hurt Dean verbally by denouncing the friendship or whatever they had. Profound bond was a lie if that's the case. And then for Dean to be put into a situation where he was tortured because of a war between Raphael and Castiel and over the bond that was denounced.

Well it'll take some time before Sam could forgive, and he was a Winchester so that meant he could hold onto a grudge until that grudge is dealt with or until it kills him. Sam wondered what their Dad would do in this situation, how he would react to Dean being put into these situations over and over again. How he would react to Sam being put into situations like these.

Sam figures their Dad wouldn't react well, that's for sure. In fact he'd probably try to kill Castiel and whoever else hurt either Dean or himself.

Half an hour later Bobby finally returned and Dean was showing more signs of waking up, hopefully this time for a longer period so they could get out of the hospital.

"Any changes?" Bobby asked while regarding Dean calmly. Sam could tell that while Bobby was away he probably took the chance to take control of his emotions if the redness of his eyes was any indication. After all it's not every day they see Dean so broken down like this. And the stress of the last few days was going to hit them soon. Hopefully after they get back to Bobby's and rested.

"No not really, he's starting to show signs of waking up again though." Sam answered as he wondered if Dean would be hungry when he wakes up. If he is, then maybe that could be read as a good sign in the long run. Hopefully? Maybe?

"Good. Hear anything about Castiel." Bobby said as he looked through the bag. Sam noted that there was a few already made sandwiches in there with bottled water.

"No why?" Sam asked, why would he hear anything about Castiel. Everything has been strangely quiet since they got here. Which might not be a good thing, another reason to get out of here.

"'bout close to an hour ago I found reports of one heck of a storm centred outside of the city. Sent Garth to check on it, he's in the same city as us luckily. Told him to phone me if he found anything and to not come find me unless it needs to be done. Figured it's best to keep the situation around us relevantly calm for now." Bobby explained as he put the bag down on the small bedside table. Yanking out clothing for Dean and sandals instead of shoes.

Sandals? Sam doubted that he'd wear those but understood why they'd be better for now considering the bandages on Dean's feet. After all, the soles of your feet are normally sensitive.

Before anything more can be said or done the sound of wings caught both of their attention.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Castiel wasn't entirely sure what was going to happen when he was stuck between three demons, one of them being Crowley himself. Castiel could only imagine what was going to happen to him if Crowley had his way. The horrors he would have been forced to live through and without his grace, he would be helpless to it.

Castiel put up a fight as best that he could. Two demons restrained his arms and Crowley was face to face with him and Castiel finally understood the meaning of personal space. He even told Crowley as much, which got a sneer and a chuckle from the demon who didn't care whatsoever.

"Looks like you're all alone now Castiel." Crowley pointed out. Castiel knows the next action the demon took on him was out of pettiness so it wasn't much of a shock. What was a shock was how much it actually hurt to be hit in the stomach. If not for the demons holding him up he would have crumbled to the ground at Crowley's feet. And Castiel would have filled with shame and not for the first time.

The sound of wings and blades stuck out of each chest of the demons restraining him. A quick wrap of the arms around his chest and they were gone. He knows without a doubt that it was Balthazar who probably never left like he made it look. Castiel didn't know how to convey how grateful he was for it.

Though that was short lived when he realized where he was brought.

Straight into the room with the hunters he betrayed, hunters who used to be his friends. And cherished ones.

"Balthazar..." Castiel questioned as he looked at the angel who just saved him from getting hurt far worse from the demon who would no doubt take every chance he can to harm Castiel. And Castiel was defenceless to it.

"What is he doing here!" Sam snarled, Castiel was reminded how dark the youngest Winchester could make himself appear and how big.

"Because I can't leave him alone and defenceless. His grace was removed..." Balthazar explained, and probably not out of respect towards the humans in the room. A race that Castiel was forced into as well.

"Good." Sam interrupted, glaring at the both of them. Castiel wanted to avert his eyes but could not as he stared forward.

"Watch your tongue Winchester!" Balthazar snapped as he glared down Sam who shut his mouth reluctantly. Bobby has yet to say anything.

It was a weird sensation to have who used to be his friends all be in the same room. Balthazar seemed to be the only one willing to be kind to him. A kindness Castiel didn't think he was worthy of. Not after everything he has done, the betrayals and the corruption. He didn't admit to it but there was a moment when he toyed with the idea of killing everyone within this room somehow in order to get them out of the way.

The shame and guilt he felt was nearly overwhelming and he was tempted to go put himself on a rack for that shame and guilt to be carved from him. A tightening of the grip on his arm in a reassuring way told him more then what words could have. And Castiel forced those horrible thoughts from his mind.

"What happened." Bobby finally spoke up.

"My grace was torn from me, as punishment for my failures and for my corruption. I am, human. Only human." Castiel answered Bobby. And true to that, everything felt smaller and duller then they would be if he was still... himself.

"And what do you want us to do about it?" Sam forced out, voice angry but calm.

"There is nothing you can do about it. What was done to me was deserved. I accept that. I..." Castiel found he couldn't keep speaking, his throat was seizing up for some reason and he frowned. Castiel didn't want these emotions to start coming forth, why now?

"Cassie needs help, even though he doesn't want to ask for it because of the unfortunate mess that was made. He wants to redeem himself but doesn't know how fully. I want him to stay with you two, after the shit you three pulled. You owe him at least one chance after you three got so many." Balthazar calmly explained and Castiel almost felt panic take hold of him at the mention of 'three' and the fact that Balthazar spoke of what Castiel wanted without permission or warning to Castiel.

Castiel wanted to protest, wanted to plead for something. For forgiveness. For something he didn't know how to plead for. Another chance? To give him another chance? He wanted his Father...

Castiel's eyes travelled to where the 'third' person would be. In bed Dean was awake and stiffly watching the situation. Nothing was said. No screaming or yelling or blaming Castiel for anything. Just silence and a weary expression. One that did not fit or belong on Dean's face. The other two followed Castiel's attention and instantly Sam's anger towards Castiel was forgotten momentarily in favour of being at Dean's side.

"Don't give up hope Cassie, just keep trying. Keep fighting. Count this as a... last chance okay." Balthazar said quietly, it was rare to hear him speak of things like this now. It reminded Castiel of early years when they would hang out and just watch things or stars or clouds on Earth. Long before Dean was born.

Castiel reluctantly nodded and with that Balthazar was gone. Leaving Castiel alone and reluctant in the room.

~Sam~

Sam didn't know what to think, no that was wrong. He was furious with the situation at hand. Why did they have to help Castiel when it was his corruption and his choices that led to this situation with Dean. Didn't Castiel learn anything from what Sam went through?! With a sigh he managed to get Dean to get up and dressed. Sam was worried with the fact that Dean has yet to say anything and it may not be intentional but a few times Sam realized that Dean actually honestly flinched.

Sam felt his heart break. His big brother who he believed to be the strongest person was so broken down again. This time it was different then when he was brought back to life after being gone for four months. This time Sam could see the damage without being distracted by his own needs for demon blood or Ruby. This time Dean wasn't speaking! Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he tell Sam off for helping him and fussing over him?

Maybe this time Dean had enough and couldn't be so strong anymore after having to be so strong for so long?

Reluctantly he let Castiel come with them. Bobby already invited him to come, and Castiel had to sit in the front with Bobby and Sam sat in the back with Dean who kicked the sandals off as soon as he had the chance to. Still not saying anything. Just weary of everything and silent. This was different then what he thought it would be, Sam had the intentions of driving and it would have been just Bobby, Dean and himself. But now they had a stiff and quiet Castiel who only spoke when spoken to. Guilt was clearly seen on the former-Angel.

They only stopped when it was absolutely necessary. To eat. To use the bathroom. Getting back to Bobby's was too important, too needed. It was safe there and it was a place where they could relax. Dean was quite able to do things himself he just didn't speak and at times he would pause at the sight of something and freeze. Jump when either Bobby or Sam caught his attention.

Sometimes Sam could tell Dean was trying to figure something out for himself. And once he even tried to speak but just closed his mouth and thought better of it. Sam felt his shoulders drop in disappointment and felt guilty for it. Castiel kept an eye on Dean constantly and kept a watchful eye out for demons. He no doubt was worried for repercussions.

Sam knows he would help protect Castiel, it doesn't mean he has to like it though. Sam may have done many things that he wasn't proud of but he couldn't bring himself to just let something horrible happen when he knows he could put a stop to it.

After a bit Bobby and Sam switched places and Bobby sat in the back with Dean who seemed to be happy to just be in the back seat. A few times he noticed that Bobby had to deal with Dean when he dozed off and woke up because of a nightmare or two.

Sam was thankful as they pulled into the driveway of the house. Everyone exited the truck and Dean took not of the Impala. Even in such a broken state he seemed to love that car. But that car was home. It was everything good in Dean's memories wrapped up in metal, rubber and glass. It was the same for Sam as well, only Sam had good memories elsewhere as well. They both shared good memories here with Bobby.

Sam dragged Dean into the house with him, and managed to get a huff out of Dean for it. That was a good start, maybe he would start speaking again. Bobby entered followed by a rather reluctant Castiel who was helping in bringing in the bags.

"You remember where your room is?" Bobby shot at Castiel who nodded with a quiet 'yes'. Probably expecting to lose everything here as well. Sam was starting to feel a bit bad for how beat down Castiel seemed to be. He'll have to speak with the former-Angel tomorrow and maybe then Sam could help himself get ride of his anger at least to some extent.

"Good. Still yours to use if you wish." Bobby said, he was upset with Castiel but seemed to prioritize better then Sam at the moment as he took Dean off of Sam's hands and got him comfortable in the living room. It was still early so no one was going to bed yet.

Castiel stood around for a moment before wondering to his room. Sam sighed. The angel really didn't know how to handle being in situations like this. Sam was going to go after him when Bobby interrupted him with a calm,  
"Leave Castiel alone, he needs to be alone for a bit in order to think things over." Sam knows this wasn't a punishment and like when Sam was locked in the Panic Room detoxing from the influence of demon blood.

~Bobby~

Bobby really wanted a drink right about now, a double shot of whiskey or something. Everyone was quiet and moody and broken down. Dean finally let go after so long and was just that, broken down and quiet. Not that it surprises Bobby too much, in fact he was shocked that Dean came back talking when he was brought back to life and thrust into a situation no one wanted to happen.

Too much was laid on the boy's shoulders. Both Dean and Sam. Problems with pricks who were in Heaven. Hell. Earth. Themselves. Everything just piled up so quickly and no one had a chance to heal from past hurts or Hell. And even after the Apocalypse didn't happen selfishness of Bobby and others weighed down on the boy's shoulders.

It was a wonder he lasted this long.

Bobby remembered times when John was drunk and spilled his guts, said more then what he probably meant to. Bobby was told of how Dean was forced to grow up and be both a brother and a parent to Sam and a caretaker of John sometimes when it should have been John playing those roles. Dean never admitted to any of this though. Just accepted it for what it was.

And now this.

It left Bobby angry with everything, including himself. When will these two boys get a break?! It wasn't fair to them to have the world on their shoulders anymore. And then Castiel, that boy was messed up and equally broken. That was probably why he couldn't bring himself to turn him away. The boy-angel needed to figure things out. Like what he wanted to do now that he screwed up royally. If Balthazar was correct then Castiel would want redemption, if Balthazar was right.

It all depended on Castiel in that department though.

Bobby will just do his part in this mess as best that he could.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Two days passed since they made it to Bobby's house. The safest place Dean could think of at the moment, but despite that he couldn't bring himself to talk. He tried more then once but whatever he was going to say was caught in his throat and refused to go farther then that. Dean knows that it's starting to worry everyone.

It hurt to move and to walk because of the damage done to his body and worse his mind. Dean couldn't drown himself in alcohol to numb the pain, apparently the medication he was taking couldn't be mixed with alcohol. Dean would give the meds up but Sam always found him and made him take them.

Dean had to watch his brother have expressions of hurt and worry almost constantly, for a big guy he was good at appearing nothing more then a gentle giant who always clumsily tried to help. And that was actually relevantly true, just with the added deadliness Sam could have as a Winchester.

Bobby was on his case as well, though thankfully he didn't handle Dean like he was fragile glass. Though even Bobby looked at him like he was damaged goods. And Dean knows that he is. It was carved into him again. But at least he wasn't rejected because of it.

Sam was always telling him that he could talk anytime he wants to, no rush. Sam would always listen. And Dean knows this, he truly does. Sam didn't have to keep telling him this. It'll eventually piss Dean off.

Cas was around as well, he avoided Dean like the plague though. And Dean didn't know why, but that hurt just as bad as what Raphael did to him. Dean knows why, the guy was feeling guilty. But guess what, so does other people and they don't go hiding from it.

Dean wanted to yell at him. Scream and curse and make Castiel stop acting like a guilt ridden coward! But like everything else, it refused to come out of his throat. Sam did enough of that with looks though, so that probably wasn't helping. No one left for hunts, and Bobby had other hunters on cases.

No word from Heaven on what's going on. Though Balthazar showed up every now and again to check on Castiel. Balthazar might be a complete douche-bag filled with feathers but Dean had to admit he was being a decent brother, something Cas probably needed right now.

Moving slowly to the kitchen, Dean figured he might as well get something to eat. He just prayed that he wouldn't have a meltdown like he did with the bathtub earlier. He had to remind himself that the shower wasn't going to fill the tub up with acid. Dean let out a shaky breath at the memory as shame ate at his stomach for reacting that way. He was Dean Winchester, he shouldn't be acting like this. After all he didn't act like this when he was brought back by Castiel. Though he did zone out at times and have nightmares or memory flashes at the worst times. But he managed to soldier past it and push it back so he could focus on other things like the end of the world, his brother's blood addiction and angels trying to molest them.

Now he didn't even have that. Just himself at Bobby's house with memories. Nothing to focus on to get himself past it. With a sigh he pulled out a few things to cut up so he could snack. Dean wondered for the first time in two days if he could get someone to go out and get some pie.

So far so good. No flashes, no icy feeling of fear or dread. Just him and the kitchen with the intent to getting himself something to eat.

That was until he pulled out a bread cutting knife and got fixated on the jagged edges of the blade. Panic tightened his throat so that his breathing was shallow and laboured. He knows there's nothing there but for a moment his own physical pain and the knife tightly held in his hand he see's read. So much read. On the knives, on the counter. On him!

Dean hated his weakness, this panic that now gripped him and made him next to useless.

Ripping his hand away from the knife almost like it burnt him the entire knife set tipped over and spilt over the counter and a few on the floor. Dean backed up in order to get away from the sharp objects, cursing himself inwardly he gripped the counter as he tried to steady himself mentally.

This was only Bobby's kitchen.

Those are knives that were used for cooking, not torture.

This was Bobby's house.

"Dean." Sam's voice cut through enough to draw Dean's attention away from his mind and surroundings to his brother who was standing at the kitchen's entrance with a worried look on his face. Dean hated that his little brother saw him like this, Dean should be the strong one and the one to look after Sammy and not the other way around. But life has a way of giving you what you don't want.

Dean wanted to say sorry but he couldn't make it come out, instead he made his way back to the knives. He managed to steady his hands as he picked them up from the floor and helped Sam put them away. Dean didn't have to look at his brothers face to see that he had a concerned look on his face.

"I'm going to make lunch, I'm hungry. Do you want me to make you something up as well since I'm here?" Sam asked, making it sound like he was doing this for himself mostly. Giving Dean an out. Dean nodded as he pushed the wooden knife holder back so it hit the wall instead of where it was earlier.

Sitting down at the table he let Sam take over from here on out, not trusting himself completely at the moment. He could hear Castiel in the study room with Bobby. Castiel diligently put himself to work when it comes to research. Sometimes he didn't even need to do research, he just told Bobby what it was they were looking for rather then look through the books.

The trench coat was left in Castiel's room, Dean didn't see it yesterday or today.

~Castiel~

Castiel did his best to not head towards the sound of knives falling, instead he let Sam take over because he seemed to be better suited to assisting Dean at the moment. Though he did admit to himself that he longed to redeem himself to Dean by helping. But he didn't think he would be welcomed after what he said to Dean and what he foolishly allowed to happen because he was not there to protect his first friend. Balthazar didn't actually count too much considering they were brothers, so he was related. Perhaps it would have be better to describe Dean as his first friend who wasn't related?

But that was all ruined with Crowley, his deal and Raphael. And the mess Castiel made of everything.

"You can't avoid them forever you know, you're living under the same roof you." Bobby's gruff voice cut through his thoughts as the elder hunter removed his hat long enough to scratch his head and regard Castiel with a firm look. Bobby was the kindest one at the moment, he let Castiel know he made a mistake but he didn't constantly rub it in his face either.

Apparently Bobby Singer was the only adult in this house?

"I cannot bring myself to face him, I failed to do what I originally meant to do. I did this to protect him, them. I did this so the apocalypse didn't restart. And I got lost along the way, and I caused my good intentions to twist and change and be corrupted." Castiel calmly stated as he wrote down some notes about new sigils they found recently. Castiel was helping Bobby understand them. Notes weren't necessary for Castiel, he understood everything about them. But the elder hunter needed the notes for his own sake.

"Idjit, talk to him. He don't have to talk back, but you keep avoiding him you're just going to cause more pain between the two of you." Bobby said giving Castiel a firm look of don't screw this up. Castiel could always respect Bobby for the simple fact that he doesn't mince words and tells things as they are. More or less.

And Castiel knows that the elder hunter has a valid point. Things could still get worse from here on out when it comes to himself and Dean, not to mention Sam. He learnt that much from his dealings with the Winchester's since he pulled Dean from Perdition. A mission he was thankful to get despite the horrors he saw in doing so and the horrors he saw Dean do so well.

Two hundred and sixty five demons were created by Dean alone during those ten years. Two hundred and sixty five broken souls and broken people. The number of deaths will escalate because of those demons. It was a wonder that Dean didn't drown on his guilt.

But Dean didn't have a number of how many souls he broke, he wanted to know but Castiel wouldn't allow him to know. That was the only good thing about the situation. There was a few things he wouldn't tell Dean about what he saw and what he wasn't allowing Dean to remember. He had to protect Dean from that knowledge. More now then ever.

He prayed to his missing Father that Raphael didn't reveal any of that to Dean.

"How." Castiel asked as he finished another page of notes and passed the notebook back to Bobby. Castiel heard Bobby sigh as Castiel looked towards the kitchen where the boys were eating.

"That you have to figure out yourself, though I would suggest first apologizing and then seeing how he's holding up." Bobby said as he stood up muttering about a bathroom break because he was not as young as he used to be. Castiel frowned to himself, how humans could stand using the bathroom was beyond him. It was irritating and time consuming. Not to mention the act of urinating was not pleasant.

And he was human now. Human who was gifted with the memory of a time spanning the existence of an entire race.

And now he had to do trivial things such as urinate, sleep and eat. But he will adapt, he had no choice but to adapt.

He will take Bobby's knowledgeable advice and speak with Dean, but when Sam isn't around. Sam wasn't intimidating, but Castiel's guilt and Sam's anger didn't go well together. Dean was lucky to have a little brother who was willing to help him and be angry for him and to simply be there for Dean.

With a sigh he stood up. He was still wearing his-Jimmy's suite and tie that was on the wrong way. He didn't know that until today when Bobby finally broke it to him. Why didn't anyone else tell him?

Castiel waited until the kitchen was empty before going in and getting a glass of water. Though he preferred lemonade, but he accidentally drank all of it yesterday. It was addicting. He refused to drink alcohol, getting drunk off a liquor store was not pleasant.

He could hear Bobby talking Sam into going to the store, alone. Somehow the elder hunter knows it's best to get Sam out of the house to give Castiel some time to grow a spine and speak with Dean. Either that or he just wanted more whiskey.

Castiel peaked his head out and calmly stated,  
"Get pie for Dean, he might want pie..." And then disappeared back into the kitchen before he could get glared at or anything. Somehow he knows that pie might be what was needed.

Reluctantly he watched Sam leave with the Impala.

"Here's your chance boy, don't screw it up because I can't always get Sam to leave his brother's side at the moment." Bobby stated as he stood at the entrance of the kitchen. It was the former, not the latter this time around. Castiel could live with that. A nod and a silent thanks, Castiel sought out Dean.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Castiel was far from stupid, in fact he was very intelligent about many things. It's just that he doesn't understand a great many things at the same time. He was told once that this fact made him more like humans then he realized. Castiel knew that it was an insult and was meant to be just that. Despite that, Castiel decided to take it as a compliment. He liked being more like humans then his own kind.

Unfortunately he made some mistakes that were painfully human. Castiel paved a road to his own damnation with good intentions. He allowed himself to be corrupted. Castiel started a war. Fought as a leader in that war. Broke off ties and bonds for that war started on good intentions.

The only difference with his mistakes was the size and wide reach of his mistakes. That was the only inhuman quality of them. His mistakes didn't touch several or many continents. It touched the Earth, Heaven and possibly even Hell. Thousands of Heaven's were effected and unseen but felt damages done to the Earth.

He will forever feel this shame.

Castiel wondered if this was what Dean felt when he was fresh from Hell?

With a deep breath in, a vain attempt to gain courage before Castiel took the opportunity graciously given to him by Bobby to try to start mending his most favoured bond here on Earth.

Standing at the entrance to the living room, noting that the television was turned to the doctor show that Dean seemed to foolishly like. Castiel did not understand what was so grand about it. The facts were wrong, the scenario's were unrealistic and he's been in a few hospitals and no one makes out because of the atmosphere found in hospital's. So why did Dean like it so much?

During the apocalypse when this show was on and Dean found a few moments to watch it, Castiel was always kicked out of the room because he would start asking questions and pointing out the mistakes. It brought a smile to Sam's face, though more out of amusement gained out of Castiel's folly and Dean's annoyance.

Castiel would give almost anything to have moments like that back. He should have cherished them more.

"Dean." Castiel said, figuring it would be best to catch Dean's attention rather then surprising him completely. That was unwise. He had to watch as Dean tensed as a reaction that would slowly if not quickly give way to the fight or flight response he seen humans have since the day they first became Homo Sapiens. There were no words, but that was expected and it wasn't like Castiel needed words to understand Dean. And understand that in this case his thoughts were on things he should have never had to go through in the first place.

Hell. Raphael bringing all that damage and all that pain back. Castiel's betrayal.

Reluctantly Castiel sat beside him, leaving enough space so Dean didn't feel like he was being crowded while Castiel could at least be near the human he so cherished before his corruption and mistakes destroyed what it was at one time his drive to fight for something that was right instead of something that was fated to happen. Or in the latest war's case, something he felt was his burden and right to do.

"I'm... I'm sorry Dean." Castiel decided that an apology was the best away to try to start. Castiel would have been annoyed with his lack of ability to speak clearly if not for the situation at hand. He will deal with any annoyance this brought on later when it was best do do so. Now was not the time.

In truth though, no apologies or words could take away the damage that has been done or good enough to convey how regretful Castiel was over this situation.

There was a choked sound that could have been a sound of anger or in Castiel's dread, disgust. His mind was more imaginative then it should be. Still at least he got a sound, other then that no words came. So body language was the only source Castiel could look to for information. Anger was clearly read. But so was hurt, confusion and perhaps even the feeling of being cornered. If Castiel had his grace, his abilities he would have simply sensed these out. Instead though he had to use his memory of what he knows of Dean.

Since his entry into the room, a decision was finally decided. One that wasn't always normal for Dean. Flight.

Dean left the room.

Flight was chosen over fight. Over Castiel.

And Castiel was left feeling crushed, he would go through having his grace torn from him again if it would keep him from feeling at this moment.

There were no orders to follow, no direction to feed off of as he was since he first dove into Hell to fetch the Righteous Man who would change everything about Castiel from the first moment he grasped the struggling and suffering soul to now.

One new thing about him that came from everything that happened was that he didn't like being ignored or walked away from. The only thing that kept him grounded was Castiel's own guilt and how rejected he was feeling despite how foolish it was to feel it.

What could he do to make Dean see that he was honest?!

It wasn't fair. But then again, it wasn't fair to be betrayed by the same angel who rescued you and saw you at your worst. Castiel buried his head in his hands in defeat.

"Balls..." A gruff voice complained before Castiel was hoisted out of his spot and dragged towards the stairs by Bobby.

"Bobby?" Castiel asked, confused over what he was doing.

"Don't you give up on him now boy. Now get some balls and go up there. He's in his room." Bobby snapped before stalking off muttering about idjits and morons.

Castiel understood that this was another chance given to him by the gruff hunter, the last chance he gets to really start fixing this before it was too late. And Castiel wonders why Bobby was so keen on helping out in his own way? What did the old hunter know that Castiel did not?

But he got the message, fight to fix this. And Castiel fought in a garrison for a longer period then humans would ever be able to understand. He fought to end the Apocalypse against Lucifer and Michael alongside the Winchesters. So he could do this, right? Fight for this?

Why did this kind of fight feel too different and far closer to home then it should be?

~Dean~

Dean didn't know what was worse, the fact that Castiel finally grew some balls and came to apologize and actually stop avoiding him like the plague for once or the fact that he took off like that. Dean would have normally considered his own reaction as weak. Because that was what it was and it was far from how a Winchester like himself should have reacted. Yes he knows everyone who carries that last name has a habit of burying their own problems rather then speaking about it, but they didn't run away!

Well, Sam did so many times. But the kid shows mare balls then most people do anyway.

Dean knows as a Winchester he should have yelled at Castiel, tore him apart verbally. Something at the least. Make his displeasure for everything known and loudly.

Anything but silence.

Anything but running away.

Dean found himself in his own room, his very own room. This was the only place he had a bedroom of his own, and sometimes he hated how isolated it was. But it was his. Just like the Impala was. Just like his gun and his jacket. It was his. Did that make Bobby's home his too? Somewhere along the way it has though, it stopped being a place to crash or a place to get information.

Dean couldn't find it in himself to fight it. He deserved to have at least one place that was home right? He couldn't have Lisa and Ben and that apple pie life, but he could have this right?

Sitting down on his own bed, his body ached and his mind screamed from the onslaught of memory and phantom pain that went with the physical pain Raphael inflicted on him. It wasn't fair! But then again, that was his life.

"_I'm... I'm sorry." _

Dean would have loved to hear those words any other time. Hear that someone was actually apologizing to him for something, which was something that didn't happen every day to say the least. No one cared normally that he was broken, just expected him to fight or to say yes or to give everything up to keep fighting again and again and again. All the while he was broken, shattered and damaged goods. But that was life. Or at least that's what Dean learnt was life.

But now, those words did nothing but cause him to be angry.

Castiel was sorry! Sorry for his cold and cruel words or for what Raphael did to him?! For what exactly, what was he sorry for? Was he sorry that he was just caught! For what!? Dean hissed inwardly as he stood up in his own anger without thinking in order to pace or do something. But the stitches that was located on his side where Raphael cut experimentally or just for the sake of spilling blood. It was in one of those annoying places though that made it so he couldn't wear jeans or else his jeans would rub against the injury despite the bandages separating his stitches from his jeans.

Dean heard his door open and much to his dismay it was Castiel, again. This time some of his anxiety and his lack of confidence seemed to have shrunken some as it mixed with determination. It was obvious to Dean that this time around, Dean wouldn't be able to leave without Castiel saying what needed to be said.

And Dean would not be able to do anything about it. He was trapped in a room, the door closed and a determined Castiel blocked his path. It wasn't fair. Dean huffed inwardly at himself for that.

"I meant what I said. I am sorry, for everything." Castiel said, everything wasn't a clear description in Dean's opinion. But he said nothing, just glowered at Castiel. His own words trapped and leaving him without anything to say back. Nothing to yell. Nothing to shout or insult.

"Dean..." Castiel started but whatever courage he had when he came in was gone. Still at hearing his name, Dean found himself unwittingly straining to hear what else the former-angel had to say. It was always with how his name was said, Castiel always said his name in a way that made him listen. Dean hated it, well he so badly tried to hate it ninety percent of the time anyway. It was what drew his attention to Castiel when he first entered the living room.

Dean knew if he tried to escape, he would be restrained and probably forced to hear what else Castiel had to say, and he knew that he probably wouldn't have the energy to fight the man. Not at the moment anyway. So he sat down in slight if not complete defeat.

Dean didn't know if it was a bad thing though.

"I know you're unsure about my apology, or the sincerity of it. But I promise you, I am sorry. I never intended for you to be harmed in any way and I am ashamed that you were." Castiel said with a slow firmness to it that Dean couldn't ignore at the moment.

Dean watched with a slight frown as Castiel sat down on Dean's bed, now giving Dean the opportunity to run and avoid Castiel. Dean stayed because it was now a choice, for now.

The sound of the Impala coming up the driveway caught both of their attention. Castiel was in no hurry to leave just yet.

"I promise you that I will do what I can to fix things between us. We had, have a profound bond. One that I hope after everything can still be there..." Castiel said, though this time any courage gave way to uncertainty and Dean knows when someone sounds like they're prepping themselves for either failure or rejection. Dean could almost imagine how much Castiel was probably cursing his own uncertainty and the human edge he was now burdened with.

Dean heard Sam enter the house declaring that he was back and Bobby greeting him, possibly giving Castiel a last few minutes to do whatever this was.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Sam was beyond angry that he was tricked like that, sure he could understand in the long run but that didn't mean he had to like it. And Dean, well he was stressed afterwards and didn't move from the bed after Castiel left avoiding Sam's gaze but walking upright like a soldier would. Like he did after so many dirty looks he got from his Dad for fighting back.

Sam frowned before approaching Dean and making sure he was going to be okay. He didn't get words, but Sam expected that. Just a nod a frown and an expression that told him that he was thinking things over. Things Castiel no doubt said.

"It's going to be supper in a couple of hours okay. I got pie too, ice cream for anyone who wants it." Sam said as he gave one last puppy dog pleading look at his brother, an insurance that he was going to eat when it was time to eat. Sam fights dirty when he has to, but with Dean he had to. There was very few people who Sam would consider stubborn to a level where dirty fighting was required.

Bobby was one of them and so was Dean. Though Bobby was a bit harder. Castiel had his own stubborn streak but so far his guilt kept him passive. So far.

"Okay, I'm going to be downstairs putting stuff away." Sam says before giving one last look to make sure Dean wasn't going to just up and do something foolish before heading downstairs. Castiel was back with Bobby who was tending to phone calls and snapping at what seems to be Garth at the moment. Sam figured Garth did some of that just to bug Bobby, or at least that's how things seem sometimes. Because Sam was well aware that Garth was smart enough to do the business on his own. It was an odd relationship built up between the two.

Bobby was also teaching Castiel how to do it in between. Teaching him how to lie. Sam thought bitterly that Bobby didn't need to teach Castiel how to do that, he already knows how to lie. Did so for so long now. It made Sam doubt him, doubt everything about Castiel.

But could you blame him?

Still the reasonable side of him said that he should try to forgive Castiel and give him a second chance. They all got second chances. Dean broke the first seal, tortured souls and was pulled out to be used but got a second chance to do right instead. Sam broke the last seal, trusted the wrong creature but managed to fix his mistake by locking the fallen angel and his brother back in the box.

So why shouldn't Castiel get a second chance?

Heaven seemed to give him that chance. If you spoke to Sam before the whole Apocalypse thing and then the civil war, that would have been enough for Sam. He was a believer to some extent. But now, well he wouldn't take Heaven's word on it. It wasn't that he wasn't a believer or anything, he was just smarter now and willing to look at the whole picture before jumping to conclusions.

Sam frowned as he entered the kitchen and put stuff away.

Did he really just reason himself into giving Castiel a second chance or did he just lower his trust in what he used to think was all good? Perhaps a bit of both. Still there's got to be good still up there? After all wouldn't the entire thing be burned away if there wasn't?

Frowning deeper.

Rubbing his eyes in a frustrated motion he took out a beer and sat at the table. When did everything become so broken? Before the cage? After? The night his Mom died? Somewhere along the line it did and somewhere they just got used to it being broken and having to use bandages to hold it all together.

It sucked. But Sam couldn't actually bring himself to give it up, sure he didn't like hunting and didn't want to hunt. But he didn't want to lose his brother again, and he see's what would happen. Someone or something would hurt Dean without someone there to watch his back. Like Dean watches Sam's back as best that he could.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Looking at the I.D he noticed that it was Sarah. Smiling for the first time today he sat back and chatted with her through text messages. Even going so far as asking for her opinion, though leaving out species and events that caused this situation. That was something he didn't want to burden her with. It's bad enough she learnt what she did from Sam.

~Bobby~

Everyone in this house was idiots. Plain and simple. Dean he could give slack to though, the boy's been hurt pretty badly and wakes up screaming. Sam is usually the one who was up to going into Dean's room and calming him down, no sleep is usually found for anyone after for some time. Needlessly said, everyone isn't getting the best of sleep and Dean no doubt feels guilty for it. The kid takes everything on his own shoulders too much.

Sam though, he has to cut Castiel some slack though. They both screwed up big time in different situations, granted so did Dean but the kid already was dealt with the consequences of his actions the hard way. The going to Hell way and hunting himself tired even if he was in a broken state as it was.

Bobby seen how broken the boy was when they got him back. It's the same kind of broken he see's now only this time the boy isn't speaking or trying to put up a brave false face. Maybe this time Dean might get the chance to heal from it. Bobby wasn't much for praying, but hoping that's another matter altogether.

Sam he fixed and is atoning for his own mistakes, makes Bobby proud that way. Both boys do. And sure he does tend to favour Dean sometimes, but that was something Dean needs because everything else is somehow made to be about Sam in Dean's mind. So a little favouring here and there is good for the idiot.

Castiel was trying. For a being who's so old he's pretty naive and young minded on some things. But then again for those many years he was a soldier first and foremost. Nothing more and nothing less. Bobby once asked him what his job was exactly.

Turns out the ex-angel was formerly the Angel of Thursday, New Changes and Travel. Castiel told him that at times he took up the role of Angel of Solitude, which prompted Bobby to ask if that's why he was lacking in social skills. If it was possible he got a very dry and flat look that could almost put Sam's bitch-faces to shame. He went on to explain that he was meant to help anyone born on a Thursday or anyone who asked for help on that day. There was more information but Castiel was saved by the ring of one of the phones and Bobby giving a young hunter a severe tongue lashing.

With a sigh, Bobby simply continued researching another case for another hunter around the outskirts of a small town with a ghost problem. Idiot's couldn't do it themselves, guess it helps the Winchester Brothers that they are capable of doing their own research. The hunter he was helping was new to the game and had a lot to learn if he wasn't killed off anytime soon. And that was dealing with ghosts wait until the idiot got up to demons and other things that are nasty characters.

~Dean~

It took a lot for Dean to work his way up to going downstairs and into the living room where no one was currently occupying at the moment. He wasn't hiding he was just coming a step closer before supper and Sam gave him that look again so he's going to have to eat because he'll never hear the end of it. Sometimes Dean thinks he ended up with a sister instead of a brother. At that thought a ghost of a smile crept up as Dean turned on the television.

Dean was bad for channel surfing sometimes, he remembers that Sam complaining about it so many times from when they were children to now. Sam usually got even more annoyed when Dean decided to watch Dr. Sexy which in his opinion was an awesome show. It was very compelling at times and yes he will admit to himself now that he kind of had a fan moment when they were stuck in one of Gabriel's created worlds. It was too bad he got Dr. Sexy wrong and decided to take that role.

"Supper Dean." Sam called, Dean rolled his eyes a bit. Just when he finds an old episode of Dr. Sexy he had to leave the living room. His body still hurt and with that his mind was thrown back into memories he didn't want but he kept that under control well enough. Now if only he could stop being a wimp and talk already!

Everyone gathered for supper at the table and Castiel was reluctant as usual to join them. He sat beside Bobby while Sam sat beside Dean. For a second Dean could have sworn the former angel wanted to sit beside him instead of Bobby but thought against it.

Dean managed to snatch a beer and drink at least half of it before Sam could stop him. That was another problem, he couldn't drink as much as he wanted to and Dean wanted to get drunk. But Sam again decided that it wasn't good to mix alcohol with the pain medication that was being forced down his throat.

Supper was awkward, the only talking at first was to pass the salt. Well, everyone but Dean. But eventually the silence became too much and idle chit chat was started and Bobby mentioned that Castiel was getting to be pretty good at handling the job Bobby does. Sam acknowledged that but Dean could tell that he wanted to make a snide comment and everyone else probably saw it too because Sam got a disapproving look from Bobby and Castiel found something to draw his attention. For a few moments until the former angel grew his backbone again.

"I understand that you disapprove of my being here, disapprove what I have done unknowingly and knowingly. But the time for condemning me to my mistakes has in fact passed..." Castiel said as calmly as he could, Dean can see already that this was going to be a fight that might or might not start a change in this house. He wasn't stupid like some people claimed of thought.

"Why, because you said so? All you had done was be turned human and now you're slumming around here like you have a right..." Sam snarled at Castiel who was sitting across from Dean. He wanted to say more but a dark look crossed Castiel's features that made him level Sam with a glare of his own.

"I had my grace torn from this body-my body leaving only my mind and control over this body. Have you ever felt what it's like to have everything you are torn from you while you are still conscious? No you have not, so do not pretend you understand the pain and agony that causes. Do not even consider trying to understand what it feels like to be cut off from home, to be isolated and have your mind quiet because you can no longer hear your brothers and sisters sing, talk and praise our Father! So yes Samuel Winchester, all I did was have my grace torn from my body against my will and have the door home closed to my mind and me leaving me alone in a house where I am disposed for my failures and my mistakes." Castiel snarled, standing up and putting the plate into the sink before heading towards the door. Dean watched him go, flabbergasted and shamed.

Dean watched as Castiel stopped at the door for a moment noting the shocked looks Dean knows is on everyone's faces before saying,  
"We have all made mistakes, everyone of us. Each of us have sins that can sink a boat. Yet you three have a chance at seeking penance for it and redeeming yourself. Can I not ask for the same? I am still alive when as an angel I should be dead for what I have done, yet I take that as a chance to put things right. Can I not have that chance?" The 'are you going to let me' remained unsaid but understood all the same.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The rest of the day was awkward that much even Castiel could sense, but he said what needed to be said. What he felt he needed to say. And it was true, was it not? That he should have the right to this second chance. As an angel he should have been killed for what he has done. Civil war. Chaos in Heaven, that kind of chaos hasn't been seen since Lucifer fell and yet Castiel wasn't caste into Hell or killed.

He was made human.

He was still alive. As far as Castiel saw it, his job wasn't done. He wanted to earn his penance and he wanted to do what Dean does and protect people, save people. He wanted to be a hunter. He just didn't know how to touch on that topic yet and not to mention healing had to be done within this household first. With himself and everyone else. Dean wasn't up to hunting yet, he has yet to talk. Which is causing Castiel to be worried about Dean.

This person who lingers around the house almost like a ghost himself was not the same person he raised from Perdition. But this person was also dealing with those memories, betrayals and not to mention everything else in between. So Castiel can cut him some slack. He just hoped that Dean spoke up soon, Castiel was used to hearing the man talk or insult him or some reference that he didn't understand or really care to understand that much either.

No one was speaking in the kitchen, not even when the pie was cut up. So it came to a surprise when Dean himself brought a two slices with him. A bite out of each. Castiel would have normally turned it down, he wasn't really all that fond of sweets but he understood a peace offering when he saw one.

It was Dean who took that step even after everything Castiel has done. He was humbled and accepted the pie with a proper reply of 'thank you'. They ended up watching a pointless show called Dr. Sexy and Castiel found that it was absolutely foolish and nothing made sense. Twenty three mistakes in diagnosis in one episode alone. Castiel may be human but everything he knows is still his.

A few times Dean opened his mouth but no words came and Castiel noticed the frustration it caused, Dean himself was getting fed up with his own silence. But one must not rush things. Castiel was sure of that. The cuts on his body will heal in time, the emotional wounds this experience opened will take long.

The rest of that day was spent in silence and awkward stumbling of words and actions. Sam was angry but it was passive and left the large Winchester quiet in his own contemplation. Bobby was his usual gruff self and answered phones and at times barked over the phone to whoever was on the other side. Apparently someone called Garth seemed rather fond of annoying the old hunter at times. But it was apparent that Bobby only minded on the surface if the near fond shake of his head as he hung up was any indication.

Castiel helped Bobby clean up his office while Sam was assisting Dean upstairs in changing the bandages that covered parts of his body.

"You going to tell them or what?" Bobby huffed as he put books back on what would appear random piles to anyone else but Castiel who could pick out the order in the chaos.

"It isn't the best time, I would rather wait until Dean is well first." Castiel answered, he should have asked what the conversation was about but he figured it had to do with what he wants to do and Bobby was observant enough to figure things out.

"Well don't wait too long to lay it on them, they don't like sudden surprises. In our job that ain't a good thing." Bobby explained before grunting something out about going to bed as he made his way to his bedroom. Castiel was tired himself, so he turned in as well.

The connection between himself and Dean was still there, this situation proved that. It made Castiel's own words about having no one and no family hurt all that much more. He couldn't imagine in all his years what Dean must have felt when Castiel said them. Dean held family at such a high importance to him and there was no higher acknowledgement then that and yet Castiel threw it back in his face. Rejected him when Castiel should have embraced him.

Curling up on his side, Castiel was not so accustomed to sleep and he found it to be a bit of a waste of time. However for the human body it was required so Castiel closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep.

~Dean~

Dean did wish that he could have said something, start a conversation with Castiel but failed. He failed to say a word! How pathetic was that! But the act of watching television with the former angel and former friend was almost comforting, not that he was going to admit to something like that out loud considering the fact that it could very well be counted as a chick flick moment and Dean doesn't do chick flick moments, that was Sam's gig.

In the end no words were said between them. Sam was angry still and his words were awkward but he was trying as best as his little brother could. Bobby was barking over the phone at Garth and Dean couldn't help but find some amusement with that situation because it was always funny watching Bobby and Garth.

Sam was the one who helped him change his bandages, if he didn't then Sam wouldn't leave him alone about it. This way he can ease a bit of tension from his little brother who was desperate to help him with something. Which was unusual due to the fact that it was Dean who had to help Sam all the time and look after him. That was Dean's job as a big brother and a Winchester. It was his job to look after everyone. It wasn't Sam's job to look after Dean or other people look after Dean. Still a small part of him did in fact like to be looked after a bit here and there. He just didn't let that part of him get a good hold because as soon as Dean was healed, he would be back to his old job and way of life.

Sam was obviously upset with the amount of cuts carefully placed on his body and the bruises from the restraints that Dean fought against without any success. He still didn't know why his last ditch effort of escape worked. Yes he prayed but that didn't mean a lot considering the amounts of times he pleaded before and nothing worked. He wanted to ask Cas about that, but the words didn't come.

Sam left soon after and promising Dean that if he was needed then he could come get Sam. Dean won't though, no matter how bad his nightmares are he won't call for help or search out Sam. He had to do this part at least on his own, just to prove that he can.

With that thought he curled up in his bed. His bed, that was something he always liked to think. Yes this was Bobby's home and all, but a part of Dean considered it to be his as well. This was the only home he knew since his first home burnt down and all of this started. Dean couldn't complain though, Bobby was good to them. Too good sometimes.

Closing his eyes Dean felt himself slip off into sleep. And it didn't take long for nightmares to start clawing at his mind and picking at weak points. Not realizing it he curled in tighter, a subconscious effort to keep himself safe.

_Dean found himself strapped to a rack and his insides open to the none existent air around him. Blood, urine and death seeped into everything. Dean screamed and pleaded for help. For anyone to help him. _

_Alastair was singing. _

_Dean was pleading with him to stop, it has been nineteen years and Dean was broken down enough to plead and get angry and to try to be defiant with horrendous failure. Why him! _

_Why him! Didn't he sacrifice enough already?_

_Didn't he give enough, why did he have to suffer so much and so badly?! _

_It wasn't fair. _

_Clutching his eyes closed he didn't even notice things shifted around him, they always did in dreams and nightmares. Dean acts them out, everything feels as though it was still that moment but he still knows it's a dream. A nightmare. A memory. _

_But he's powerless to stop it and powerless to rebel against it. _

_Dean hated it, he hated it so much that even in his dreams he took it out on something even though he's left confused and guilty and feeling horrible. _

"_Dean, you know you can't let distraction take hold boy. Show me what you learnt to do in regards to the stomach." Alastair's voice cut through his thoughts, was he even having thoughts? Could he think at all? _

_No, he can't because this was what his life was now. _

_Opening his eyes he eyed the soul in front of him. With a grin Dean started to cut. Burnt flesh stretched across a carved back as he moved. Dean almost withered in pain and rejoiced for it. His master loved it when he enjoyed the pain he was feeling. _

_Off to his right he saw someone new, Raphael in his feminine vessel. Important? No. Maybe, Dean didn't know. _

_Dean wondered what cut to do next while he tried to think up of what was wrong with him. If something was wrong with him at all. _

Dean shot up in bed and instantly gasped at the pain it caused. He hated the nightmares he had, the smell of Hell if it even had a smell at all followed him out and Dean was left trying to see where he was and what he was doing it. Before only phantom pain followed him out, now he had actual pain to torment him while awake.

Dean hated it!

With a shudder he cursed himself for his weakness and hoped and prayed that he remained silent through the whole nightmare. He didn't want to wake anyone up, but he knows from conversations reluctantly had with Sam that none of his nightmares were silent. Sam was just used to them, and Dean found that to not be very fair for his brother. Sam shouldn't have to hear how much pain Dean is under when it comes to memories.

It just wasn't fair.

With a sneer at that Dean made sure he was dressed and left his room in search of alcohol. Anything to numb what he was feeling. He didn't care if he was taking pain medication or anything that couldn't be mixed with alcohol. He just needed it right now.

Dean didn't realize that someone else woke up to his nightmare as well and was getting out of bed at the same moment Dean found one of Bobby's stash. Reading the label he was satisfied that it wasn't the weak crap that Bobby sometimes buys when he needed a break from a particular brand, there was always more then one kind in the house. Weak crap and the strung stuff.

Dean didn't bother find himself a glass, instead he made his way outside to a spot he liked to sit in Bobby's yard. The house was within sight still and Dean just focused on that s he undid the lid. Though the alcohol didn't make it to it's destination as the bottle was snatched away and a furious looking Castiel stood there bare foot and without his customary jacket.

Dean gulped because really he didn't like dealing with Castiel when he was angry or upset.

Still that didn't stop his own anger from bubbling up.

"What the fuck Cas!"


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Castiel didn't originally plan on following Dean, just see what he's doing. But when he saw Dean grab a bottle Castiel froze because he had to think back on what he read in regards to the medication Dean was taking. If he recalled correctly there wasn't supposed to be drinking while taking them. You were also supposed to be eating regularly so you never take them on an empty stomach, that part was taken care of easily enough.

Castiel hoped that he wouldn't drink the alcohol. If anything just taking it to hold. But hoping wasn't helping Castiel's worries, he should go get Sam but instinct to assist his charge and his friend took over. He followed after Dean not caring that he was without a jacket and his shoes. He was only wearing his pants and white shirt. The tie was hanging on the bed post in his room.

Castiel will be the first to state that Dean was a friend, is a friend. One he doesn't deserve but will hold onto all the same, Castile has developed a bit of flimsy selfishness and he believes that in this instance it is okay. He prays that it is.

Castiel almost felt his heart shudder in worry as he saw the bottle's cap being removed and the bottle raised to Dean's mouth. Castiel watched with a careful eye on what was going on. He was good at doing that and acting at the same time, he was a soldier. Was a soldier of God. So little tasks like this was far too easy but welcomed.

That didn't stop him from getting angry as he took hold of the bottle of cursed liquid and glowered at Dean for his foolishness. Though he took note of the rising anger in Dean as well. At least this was more of an emotion then what Dean has given since they brought him here. Perhaps this can be a turning point for Dean?

_"What the fuck Cas!"_

Four words. One vulgar but Castiel was used to those sorts of words from Dean, he did try to get him to stop swearing once but Dean in a moment of stubbornness or perhaps being cheeky as some would call it ended up saying every vulgar word he could come up with. Castiel was not amused, but informed Dean that Castiel knew more words then Dean would ever hope to exist and then left.

Dean was obviously still in pain, Castiel saw it as the man stood up and got into Castiel's face. Dean would have to do far more then that to intimidate Castiel.

"You should not drink while you are on medication Dean, the bottle states that clearly." Castiel calmly stated all the while not backing away. This was important, does Dean not understand the dangers of mixing medication and alcohol? Castiel was informed that it was far from wise and not something to encourage.

Of course, Dean would not listen to reason and instead glared angrily at Castiel. First without saying a word tried to reach for the bottle, steal it back. Castiel was not amused. He backed off and before Dean could react to that, Castiel shattered the bottle. He will have to pick the pieces up later so no one harms themselves. Dean looked almost lost as he stared at the broken bottle and spilt liquid. His mouth opening and closing, if it was any other situation with two other people it would be funny. Castiel knows this, he has watched television so he knows humans have a different sense of humour then what Castiel is used to. He's learning though, television helps to some degree.

"Are you insane!" Dean snarled and Castiel counted the words. The total was up to seven now. Better then silence. Anything would be better then silence from Dean.

"No I am not, but you should not be drinking. I under..." Castiel corrected and it was too late when he realized that he spoke too quickly to really think it through. He should be more careful, but that was something Castiel hasn't grasped yet. He was never one who knew how to do things like that especially in situations he didn't know how to fully react to.

Wording things in specific ways was far easier when you were a leader in a civil war and believing that you were in the right. All the while being corrupted and tainted without his full knowledge on that fact.

"Don't. Don't you dare say you understand, you don't know shit!" Dean snapped, angry and Castiel expected as much so he stayed silent and let Dean say his piece. Keeping himself close but giving Dean his personal space that the other man seemed so obsessed with. Castiel still didn't understand what was the deal with it. There was nothing wrong standing near an ally or friend or family.

"Dean..." Castiel tried the second he noted that Dean wasn't speaking anymore.

"Don't. Just don't. You can't understand." Dean snarled, backing off and looking like he was trapped despite how open the exits were. Castiel felt horrible, he doesn't want to cause Dean any more harm then he already did. Why was it that he only seemed to fail? Castiel closed his eyes for a moment before opening them.

Castiel does understand what it feels like to be harmed, tortured. He had a few heaven beat down's after all, to get him to obey and for him rebelling against their perfect image that was Pro-Apocalypse. And he bared it all for the human race. For Dean. For whatever connection he had. And he knows that Dean did not pray to him while Raphael was awakening his worst memories for Castiel. To protect a friend who rejected him to Dean's face.

"I understand fully Dean. I am not trying to push that in your face at this moment and I don't ever wish to." Castiel stated, he wasn't going to speak of what Castiel has experienced. This was not about him, this was about Dean. It always seems to be about Dean when it came to Castiel. Sometimes when Castiel was in a particular dark mood he was almost if not fully jealous of Sam who seemed to be the centre of Dean's world. Sometimes it left Castiel asking 'what about me' but he would never do that to Dean or to Sam. They were dear to him.

That only seemed to enrage the Winchester even more. Castiel stole a glance towards the house, he did not want to cause a scene that would drag everyone out. Dean needed his privacy and to lose control like this in front of a lot would only make Dean feel more shame then there was.

"You understand! You understand what Cas?! How it feels to be tortured by the enemy of someone you thought was a friend?! How it feels to have those memories brought to the surface! To feel helpless and vulnerable! How the fuck can you say you under..." Dean angrily spat out, the only thing that interrupted him was a hard grip to the front of his shirt that dragged him close enough to Castiel's face. Castiel was glad for the first time that he did not have his strength, but he was by no means weak.

"I understand perfectly well! I took hits for you time and time again. I took more then my share of heaven beat downs for you. All of it for you. For your species. For this planet! So do not tell me I do not understand." Castiel snarled, he didn't mean to but to be told he didn't know what it feels like. Sure he hasn't been tortured by a demon and an Archangel but he has been punished severely enough that he almost shattered because of it.

Dean didn't say a word, but there was surprise and shock across his face that made Castiel feel guilty. He didn't mean to act this way to Dean. He has suffered enough. But then, so have they all.

The shock and surprise didn't last long, it was replaced by anger. Misplaced but one that obviously needed an outlet. A hard shove pushed Castiel back enough to be punched. Castiel should have blocked it but the surprise that Dean managed to push him away made the punch connecting possible. Before when Castiel had him against something, Dean couldn't move Castiel.

The second punch was blocked so a hard hit to his hip went unnoticed. Instinct took over and a fight officially started. Injuries forgotten as adrenaline and anger took over. Somehow Castiel managed to keep the fight away from the broken bottle that seemed to have started this whole situation.

It took only ten minutes for the fight to come to an end. Castiel never experienced this winded feeling before and pain. He was in pain again. Dean packed a hard punch, harder then Castiel thought. And not to mention having his foot stepped on was not a good feeling. Somehow they both avoided the real dirty hits, though neither of them are really above fighting dirty. Castiel knows that sometimes you can't afford to be fair and fight fancy. You had to use what you had. Dean no doubt knows this as well, his fighting was never refined but always effective.

They both were sitting on the ground face to face as they regarded each other. There was blood on spots of Dean's shirt and pants. Stitches might have torn, Castiel felt a pang for that. His own side hurt and so did his face. His cheek and nose took most of the damage. His nose felt damp as did his chin. Blood no doubt. Dean had a nasty bruise to the side of his face as well. Castiel used the side of the garage for that only to have an elbow to the face. Those two hits was probably the turning point of the fight that led to the end. They both were slowed down due to the pain.

All in all, short but brutal. Whether or not this hurts what's left of their bond or not is yet to be seen.

Castiel felt slightly embarrassed to be in a beaten state like this and on the ground, perhaps it had to do with the fact that it was a human who did it. Yet Castiel was human now as well, so that shouldn't be of importance anymore. It shouldn't be in the first place. Castiel looked to the ground between them before moving to get up.

"Sorry..." Dean managed quietly which stopped any movement in getting up. To be honest that was not what Castiel wanted to hear. It felt like it was a punch to his stomach, it was funny how one word could cause such a reaction. Castiel found that he felt sorrow instead now. He didn't want an apology, this situation wasn't supposed to end with apologies.

"So am I. I did not mean to shove that in your face Dean, you have done enough and did not need to bare that burden on your shoulder's as well. You carry too much as it is." Castiel stated calmly as he helped Dean up off the ground, they both felt pain but it was Dean who was previously injured from his experiences that was wincing. Dean shook his head, he didn't agree obviously. Dean was truly Dean's worst enemy. Castiel sighed as he helped Dean towards the house, taking the support of a body next to him as well.

"Guess we both had our fair share of shit dealt out to us..." Dean managed as he opened the door for them and they entered quietly.

"Yes, we have." Castiel acknowledged, perhaps there was words of wisdom that could be said but that was something Castiel wasn't entirely sure of at the moment. Instead he tightened his grip on Dean for a moment in a show of comfort. Dean seemed to acknowledge it so perhaps he did something right then.

Castiel ended up having to help Dean tend to his injuries.

All Castiel had to say to that was that Sam made this look easy. Castiel made more of a mess then he meant to. Dean was amused though, for the first time it seemed today.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Sam wasn't impressed at all. In fact he was upset and angry, he probably didn't have a right to be. But could you blame him, he goes to bed and wakes up to find new bruises on Dean and matching bruises on Castiel and if that wasn't enough he finds out that Dean was talking again, not full sentences sometimes but at least he was talking. It was childish perhaps but a part of him couldn't help but wish that it was him who Dean started to talk to first. Why wasn't it Sam?

After all, Sam always came first before. Sam knows he was the centre of Dean's world, it has been that way since Sam could remember. When they were children, Dean spoke to him the most when he wasn't trying to please their father.

"You gonna keep sulking or what?" Bobby said as he sat down giving Sam one of those looks that had Sam feeling like he was being scolded for something. Only a few people could get away with that. Bobby was one of them obviously, Dean was another and at times so was his Dad. Castiel wasn't allowed but that never stopped the former angel.

"I'm not sulking..." Sam insisted as he stood up to get out of the room because that was exactly what he was doing. Sam had every right though.

"The hell you aren't. I get that Dean spent most of his time lookin' out for you. You always came first. Still do and you know that. That boy would make himself miserable to make you happy, if that's what it took. So you may not be the first person anymore, ain't meaning you're number two either. That's everyone else." Bobby said, not really giving Sam room to interrupt and go along with the 'I know' approach. Because he did know, it didn't stop the emotions though. Or perhaps the slight unwanted tinge of jealousy.

The second he could sense that he wasn't going to get another mouthful Sam stood up and left. A sigh and the word 'idjit' followed after him. It made him smile, at least one thing won't ever change. Bobby was like that though.

Sam made his way to the impala, a habit he had since he was a boy. When in doubt, go to the impala because Dean or his Dad would find him there. It was grilled into his mind, into their mind. And now in a sense, the impala was home. Finding his spot on the hood Sam leaned back, thankful that it was parked in the shade.

He didn't know how long he was sitting there or when he fell asleep, something that wasn't uncommon in certain locations. All he knew was that it was his name being said that woke him up.

"Sammy..."

Sam had to blink a couple of times, get the sleep and the flashes of the cage out of his mind. It was only twenty years for him but it still did it's damage but he had help getting through it. Sarah was a big help, she was a saint in Sam's eyes. He wouldn't say angel because he's learnt that most if not all were simply douche-bags or dicks with wings as Dean called them. Still there was the odd one that was okay.

Focusing on Dean, Sam sat up while hanging his legs off the side of the car looking at Dean's direction. Something told him that Bobby had a conversation from him. Or not, who knew really at the moment.

"Hey." Sam greeted as he cleared the sleep from his voice. How deep of a sleep did he get into?

Sam watched as Dean opened his mouth and closed it before settling on the other side of the impala where Dean usually sat when they stopped in the middle of no where, sometimes stared at the stars or just shared a beer. Peaceful times. Simple times. Before everything went to hell...

literally.

"Figured I'd find you out here, you do tend to sulk out here." Dean said, a full sentence. That was something Sam noticed right off the bat. Of course that didn't change the fact that even Dean thinks Sam was sulking, which wasn't fully wrong granted but it still brought out some annoyance.

"Who said I was sulking, Bobby?" Sam found himself saying a bit harsher then he meant to. Still Dean who was used to his different tones didn't even bat an eye at it. Instead shot an annoyed expression, Dean was healing if that was any indication. The only problem now was that Dean would push it all down and try to carry on like it didn't happen.

"No he didn't. I know you Sam, you're sulking. Why are you sulking?" Dean asked and Sam had to gap at him. Dean said that he knew Sam and yet had to ask why he was sulking? Anger curled inside of him at that. How could Dean not know!

Standing up he started to move away, leaving Dean sitting on the impala.

"Raphael used him against me Sam... That's why I didn't talk, normally..." That stopped Sam instantly, it was rare and nearly impossible to get Dean to open up. Maybe this was Dean showing Sam that Sam was still important even though he wasn't the one who got Dean's first words when he started to talk again?

"Normally what?" Sam asked, wondering how he could sound so small when he stood taller then anyone on this property.

"I shake things like this off. It's not knew for us to be tortured Sam, I can't count on my hands the times we were tortured by the things we hunt. Yet when Raphael used him... Used Alastair... I shattered.

By... By using Alastair he used Alastair's methods and what was done then was done again to my mind. You... Bobby... Mom and Dad all used against me by him... Then by Raphael. And Raphael asked me to pray, to call to Cas. I didn't because it was a trap and if... If Raphael gets to Cas then he'll win and..." Dean said, it sounded like Dean's voice would give out with how hard Dean was trying and forcing his own words out. Like he was cutting them free and Sam wanted to plead with him not to say another word if Dean didn't want to. Dean didn't owe him an explanation.

"... And Cas would be killed?" Sam found himself finishing while realizing that he must be the worlds biggest asshole at the moment.

Dean seemed to glower at him for that one. Turns out it wasn't only Sam who thought he was being an asshole. Sam gave an apologetic expression, not sure how it would be received or even viewed for that matter.

"You know what would have happened if Raphael got what he wanted Sam. The apocalypse new and improved and no way to for us to stop it... I couldn't let that happen! It would have destroyed everything and all our sacrifices would be for nothing... You would have eventually died Sam! You, Cas, Bobby... Everyone." Dean snapped, anger and unacknowledged hurt that Dean would deny if accused with it. Sam felt himself shift uncomfortably, he felt like a child again. How could he let the situation be so out of hand?

All because he spoke to Castiel first.

Castiel who has a 'profound bond' with Dean, something Sam figured wasn't so pure. Or at least not as pure as you would think it would be being that Castiel was an angel.

"I know... I'm sorry..." Sam said, he was always the one to apologize first. Well for the most part, he did have that Winchester stubbornness to him half the time so that made things a bit difficult.

Eventually they got on talking again, little stuff. Safe stuff. Up until the sound of Bobby cursing about former angels and plugged toilets.


End file.
